9:55 p.m. - January 08, 2004
A big smile, a definite yes.
I call him and we talk about weekend plans. He asks if I’d make a batch of my secret-recipe chocolate chip cookies. I say yes.
Then he remarks I’m a great fuck buddy.
Why’s that, you ask? Because I’m neither emotionally hungry – let’s be boyfriends! - nor absent - I like to cuddle - I’m therefore less prone to the dramatic. Throw a little physical intimacy into the equation, and you have a guy who doesn’t want a relationship or cheap sex, so the way around it is to have sex within a matrix of Not Quite vectors; you know, Not Quite making love, Not Quite a stranger, Not Quite a relationship, Not Quite dating.
A messy discussion ensued. He didn’t think I’d be bothered by that label, while I am with boyfriend, and I’m not sure which way the preference wind blows on this one. I am not familiar enough with contextualized behavior and assumptions regarding fuck buddies other than a creepy image of men in leather in dark parks who know each other’s names.
So what is the difference between a trick and a fuck buddy? Is it a matter of frequency? What are the pragmatic distinctions? Perhaps I should ask Queerscribe for an authoritative analysis. The bigger, more pertinent question – timely given it was I who told Ryan II just a few days ago that pursuing a relationship at this time is not something I’m ready for – is what exactly do I want for myself. I say I’m not mature enough to handle a gay relationship (hetero either?), yet I’ve enjoyed getting to know Ryan II – and Ryan I and Eli – and have been intimate to varying degrees with each (Jesus, I sound like a whore), but I back off when things (emotions?) develop. Just what am I afraid of? Spec II? I resist the boyfriend designation out of hand, and I don’t understand why.
Recap: A trick is an anonymous hook up for mutual relief. Does a trick evolve into a fuck buddy? And is the meet – date – relationship route any more or less satisfying than meet – date / be a fuck buddy – tire of being fuckbuddyism – move on?
Worry: That this is what it means to be gay. The faces may change but the rules of the game don’t, a hundred thousand permutations of looking for the next.