Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

9:55 p.m. - January 08, 2004
Sweet & Sour
Arrived home from working tonight (a refresher course on computational fluid dynamics for mechanical engineers) and dealing with a mentee who began to cry while debriefing in the parking lot, and found a note left by Ryan II asking me out on a date for tomorrow night.

A big smile, a definite yes.

I call him and we talk about weekend plans. He asks if I�d make a batch of my secret-recipe chocolate chip cookies. I say yes.

Then he remarks I�m a great fuck buddy.

Why�s that, you ask? Because I�m neither emotionally hungry � let�s be boyfriends! - nor absent - I like to cuddle - I�m therefore less prone to the dramatic. Throw a little physical intimacy into the equation, and you have a guy who doesn�t want a relationship or cheap sex, so the way around it is to have sex within a matrix of Not Quite vectors; you know, Not Quite making love, Not Quite a stranger, Not Quite a relationship, Not Quite dating.

A messy discussion ensued. He didn�t think I�d be bothered by that label, while I am with boyfriend, and I�m not sure which way the preference wind blows on this one. I am not familiar enough with contextualized behavior and assumptions regarding fuck buddies other than a creepy image of men in leather in dark parks who know each other�s names.

So what is the difference between a trick and a fuck buddy? Is it a matter of frequency? What are the pragmatic distinctions? Perhaps I should ask Queerscribe for an authoritative analysis. The bigger, more pertinent question � timely given it was I who told Ryan II just a few days ago that pursuing a relationship at this time is not something I�m ready for � is what exactly do I want for myself. I say I�m not mature enough to handle a gay relationship (hetero either?), yet I�ve enjoyed getting to know Ryan II � and Ryan I and Eli � and have been intimate to varying degrees with each (Jesus, I sound like a whore), but I back off when things (emotions?) develop. Just what am I afraid of? Spec II? I resist the boyfriend designation out of hand, and I don�t understand why.

Recap: A trick is an anonymous hook up for mutual relief. Does a trick evolve into a fuck buddy? And is the meet � date � relationship route any more or less satisfying than meet � date / be a fuck buddy � tire of being fuckbuddyism � move on?

Worry: That this is what it means to be gay. The faces may change but the rules of the game don�t, a hundred thousand permutations of looking for the next.

 

previous - next

 

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!