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8:26 p.m. - December 22, 2003
Monday night
Walked in the door two voice mails ago from tonight�s group. I�ve had some time � 20 minutes give or take � to digest and reflect, calm down and refocus, and wanted to record what I wrote immediately following the session.

I�m in the parking lot a few minutes after the group therapy session ended. I�m breathing heavily, wonder whether I�m breathing like this because I�ve walked quickly or because I�m furious I don�t know. I am angry. I am furious. Tonight�s session leader was --- and early into the session he addressed me, pushed me to �fish� or speculate rather than responding �I don�t know� and quickly the session � about an hour out of 1.5 � became a discussion about me. About how perhaps I tease, how I may be manipulating people. This after an inquiry into why and how I push people away, as in former relationships. I shut down and felt extremely awkward and uncomfortable and --- kept saying it�s good to have one�s boat rocked. Mine was overturned and I�m angry about my response to being on the spot like I was. I feel like shit already as it is when either group facilitator mentions or hints about factors inhibiting the group process � meaning my quietness, my hesitation to share and be open and lay everything out as if they were people I trust instead of strangers, my reticence that is profoundly noticeable and a distasteful foil compared to the remaining other two members of this group � and --- wondered further whether I enjoy the push and pull and what if that�s true, what does that make me? A fucking drama queen or some pathologized emotional freak? And as he asked these things I wondered what they have to do with childhood sexual abuse, why do we talk about anger and relationships and not more about what happened? And I was on the spot far too often but the worst came when --- asked me a bit later about my current thoughts and before I could grab my tongue I said I�m not coming back. And --- nodded and said �I would be disappointed if you sabotaged the group like that� and I feel trapped and angry because of that damn FOB who quit and hasn�t been back in two weeks, if he hadn�t quit then I could�ve and the group would be extant because it needs a minimum of three members. Three! If I leave the group folds. And my running commentary says is this a way to seek attention � Jesus Christ, what if this is true? � And then everybody in the group addressed me in turn: �Jason, you�re the most well-spoken, Jason, I�ve been where you are before and trust me you can get through this� And I wanted to laugh and scoff, spit in their faces because they don�t know me, don�t know me at all other than I�m the quiet one in the group who has to clench his teeth and will his eyes not to overflow and I can�t hide it. Every week I�ve been speaking more and more, what more do they want and need? I just can�t uncork and be a fount, not when most days I feel like I don�t know which way is up and grasp fruitlessly for the right word to describe a thought or feeling. Like right now I feel like I�m not making any sense, am only paying half-attention to what I�m writing because I�m registering how hot my face is, how fast my heart pounds, how my hand aches writing this on a tiny sheet of paper. I was tempted to get up and leave but didn�t only because that would have been a worse scene than I was already and avoiding the dramatic is noble. I�ve calmed down and it�s time to drive home.

80% of me wants to quit, the other part doesn�t want to be the way I am forever.

 

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