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9:45 p.m. - January 12, 2004
I need to come up with a name less juvenile than Mean Therapist
A good session with the group therapy tonight even if Mean Therapist started things off by saying, Jason, I thought we�d start with you. I�m glad he did though it was difficult to respond to his inquiry but you know the drill � no pain, no gain. We discussed detachment, what it is and why it happens with children, and I was pressed to identify and label the emotions and feelings surrounding the experience. I can talk about the brain and the chemical processes that are thoughts, I can talk politics and economics and science and so many other topics with confidence, though when it comes to feelings and emotions I am puzzled, am at a loss besides saying I don�t know. What is the term that captures simultaneous appeal and fear? What word in English conveys the terror of not having an escape route with his hand rustling my hair? When I say I don�t know, it is because I don�t know how to identify, explain. Sometimes I register anger when I think about it, but most of the time it�s why? and not knowing the answer, not knowing anything, is worse for me than what happened. And the disconnection, the detachment, cycle continues.

Mean Therapist remarked that I shut down and was resistant and when I began to protest he put up his hand and I shut up like an adolescent having failed to obtain car keys on a Friday night. How do I explain that I�m afraid of everything inside, how do I explain the kaleidoscope when I close my eyes and think about things, how do I explain that I must be strong and keep everything in place because I�m afraid of losing control and falling apart? How do I explain that I�m like a sponge dried and hardened and emotions are like water and only so much is capable of being absorbed?

I want to understand the why and that�s the answer I�ll never get.

*Bob is an older guy and I see myself in him � that cold, detached personality, the drive for perfection and excellence, reliance on the intellect, emotionally remote. I look at him and want to give up � give up what, though? � because if he hasn�t figured it out yet, hasn�t assembled the Rubik�s Cube and made sense of it all by now, how can I?

I am different from the rest of the group when it comes to sexual intimacy. Apparently I�m one of those who avoid it as opposed to seeking it out. Will there ever be any rock under my feet? Tonight mentioned something off the cuff, how I do not view waking up next to a guy with distaste or the notion of being gay being disgusting. It is the sex that bothers me, the intimacy.

The morning after the first time Spec and I went for a walk on the lake shore and small waves breaking on the sand made a slick slick rhythmic sound, the sound of anal sex. And he whispered in my ear, Sound familiar? and I was ashamed. Why ashamed and not amused? Why was that the automatic direction? Perhaps a carryover of the shame of having gay sex, of having taken it up the ass from another man, of everything else we had done earlier. But I think my reaction goes deeper than that, goes back to when I was a kid and couldn�t escape.

I�ve had problems saying no as a child and adult.

Everything I do is geared towards making me feel safe, secure. And if I can�t say no, all my other boundaries are lines in sand.

This makes me sad.

 

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