11:23 a.m. - January 29, 2004
All of a sudden, this journal doesn't seem so private and it bothers me
Learning quickly that when Ryan II sleeps over to not have plans for the following morning: He sleeps hard and good luck getting him up and out. Good thing my morning assignment was cancelled. He�s been really sweet and I enjoy how he�s far more open emotionally than what I�ve had before, enough contrast that he urges me to open up and talk and share. He makes me laugh in a good way though I need to be more conscious of distinguishing between opportune and unflattering moments when I do. Last night he wanted it and my initial response was lukewarm � always, the what if? worry � and he put on his I�m-trying-to-be-sexy face, whispered You�re really tight so the more we do it the easier you can take all of it and I had to laugh because my inner response: sweetie, I�ve taken a lot bigger so don�t worry flashed inappropriate and thoroughly queen-ish. These things don�t need to be shared. But you know what I adore about him? It�s his I�m-22-and-the-world-revolves-around-me gravitas that reminds me of a toddler�s surety all is his for the taking and nobody can refuse him.
Finding it awkward to bring up the condom topic. Made Eli and Ryan I cover up and half of me doesn�t want to push the issue with Ryan II, the other half slaps my head.
Also finding it awkward to talk about specific (sex) things that bother me. I wish I had a gay buddy with whom I could talk about these things � Jesus, when did I turn into a Sex & the City character? Shut up Jason, shut up.
