10:03 a.m. - September 25, 2003
Yesterday was an exercise in pushing people away, I see now. I think I do this when some inner proximity alarm blares, when either I get too close to someone or someone edges closer to me. Iím feeling hemmed in and defensive and I donít understand why. Itís like thereís a finite resource of closeness from which I draw and when overburdened, thereís a burst of energy and the afterimage is me with space, a well-defined perimeter. I wonder if everybodyís like this or itís just another idiosyncrasy of mine.
I donít handle mental (emotional? social?) multi-tasking well:
1) Spec. Iím flying to Seattle Friday night, after a brief stop-in to the party. Changed my departure gate from San Jose to San Francisco and still Spec complains that heís not a priority. Heís right; heís not. And Iím ashamed of myself to see how much Iím looking forward to seeing him and spending the weekend in Seattle. Why do I say Iím ashamed? I say that often, donít I? Shame like smokers huddled by the signs saying No Smoking Within 25 Feet of Entrance on a rainy day and that craving supersedes everything else. Shame because I know that pity, that Oh, poor Jason, he canít see how demeaned he is or what a jerk Spec is refrain, but I do see and I make choices.
2) Ryan. I like his voicemail messages but not when he asks if Iím avoiding him. Itís not avoidance, just a change in status: I donít want to be his suck-buddy while heís ending his relationship. Shit, Iím dumb enough to believe he is breaking up but not enough to suck his dick in the meantime. Yeah, friends maybe, because heís into hockey.
3) Eli. Back out of the blue. Uninvited.
Am I complaining? I donít mean to Ė Iím just frustrated. Bathsheba asks whatís new, whatís going on in my life, and I donít share this frustration with her. A[deleted]a asks the same but when I tell her, she cautions me against jumping into the gay fray, thinks itís still a phase. That my best friend isnít supportive Ė or open Ė sucks.
All this to say when multiple people want Ė expect Ė me to open up, be chatty, laugh, I feel overwhelmed. I can do one-on-one, not multivariables. And worse yet, I was mean to this really nice guy Iíve been talking on the phone with, because I donít want him to know how much I look forward to chatting with him. Sorry, Joel.
Hopefully my mood will improve.