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11:49 a.m. - February 20, 2002
Ambsace
Spec--as in specular, having the properties of a mirror--thinks we'd live happily ever after if only I'd give it--and him--a chance instead of trying to push him away. Part of me somewhere deep thinks he may be on the right track if just a bit idealistic about sunsets and the land of the lotus eaters because he hasn't run yet and readers, I've been pushing and the more I push the more patience he pulls out and settles in his portable La-Z-Boy to wait out the ride. No one's ever done that for me and it's unsettling like grit in your Metamucil or an unopened envelope with the IRS logo in the corner, yet it's like a ride that makes your heart pound as you go up and down and all around.

A while ago�several years in fact�I remarked to my friend Bathsheba that I worked with a lot of gay guys and she said she�d still like me if I was gay. The question before me now is, Would I still like myself? I refuse to think that I am because my instincts are women but I�m liking Spec so much I can see myself being with him but not another guy, and I�m not sure what this means. And if Spec and I are celibate, how does that influence things?

Last night I asked Spec to be my boyfriend which isn�t much considering he�s been calling me his boyfriend for a while over my protests. To me, it�s much. It�s grande in that shy smile way that he likes so much. It�s grande because I�ve decided to start trying things with him and it�s about time because I want it. (Pure bravado there, but look past it.)

I don�t get it and he says it makes him sad. In many ways he�s what I�m not�he�s tall, dark, freaking hot and he wants me, this short, dark non-freaking hot guy when he could have anybody he wants. He�s the type that both guys and girls look at and flirt with, the one the manager asks to work out front when there�s a large crowd of women because he brings in bigger tips. The type that snowboards weekends, does three hour workouts and is the poster child for the All American Jock. We�re so different. He says from the very beginning when we met he knew what he wanted because I�m smart and not afraid to hide it the way he does; he�s been waiting for just under a year. For me.

It�s exciting. It�s frightening. I joke with him that no matter what, he has to promise no rainbow flag or pink triangles; it�s a joke because he�s so deep in the closet it�s a non-issue but I can�t help but think about the future when he does decide to tell people. It was a relief to tell Arcana and get it off my chest, and I�ve only been dealing with this for a short time, unlike Spec�and while I tell him it does a body good, I don�t want him to tell people because then the gay boys will flock. Can we say self-esteem issues? You know the drill�roll the eyes.

This entry is really about nothing at all.

P.S--How does the site look, esp. the graphic? Looks bad on my computer. Is it crystal clear on yours?

P.S2--I'm going to bring over my cleaned-up and anonymous entries from the other journal. I don't like them adrift.

 

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