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11:49 a.m. - February 20, 2002 A while ago�several years in fact�I remarked to my friend Bathsheba that I worked with a lot of gay guys and she said she�d still like me if I was gay. The question before me now is, Would I still like myself? I refuse to think that I am because my instincts are women but I�m liking Spec so much I can see myself being with him but not another guy, and I�m not sure what this means. And if Spec and I are celibate, how does that influence things? Last night I asked Spec to be my boyfriend which isn�t much considering he�s been calling me his boyfriend for a while over my protests. To me, it�s much. It�s grande in that shy smile way that he likes so much. It�s grande because I�ve decided to start trying things with him and it�s about time because I want it. (Pure bravado there, but look past it.) I don�t get it and he says it makes him sad. In many ways he�s what I�m not�he�s tall, dark, freaking hot and he wants me, this short, dark non-freaking hot guy when he could have anybody he wants. He�s the type that both guys and girls look at and flirt with, the one the manager asks to work out front when there�s a large crowd of women because he brings in bigger tips. The type that snowboards weekends, does three hour workouts and is the poster child for the All American Jock. We�re so different. He says from the very beginning when we met he knew what he wanted because I�m smart and not afraid to hide it the way he does; he�s been waiting for just under a year. For me. It�s exciting. It�s frightening. I joke with him that no matter what, he has to promise no rainbow flag or pink triangles; it�s a joke because he�s so deep in the closet it�s a non-issue but I can�t help but think about the future when he does decide to tell people. It was a relief to tell Arcana and get it off my chest, and I�ve only been dealing with this for a short time, unlike Spec�and while I tell him it does a body good, I don�t want him to tell people because then the gay boys will flock. Can we say self-esteem issues? You know the drill�roll the eyes. This entry is really about nothing at all. P.S--How does the site look, esp. the graphic? Looks bad on my computer. Is it crystal clear on yours? P.S2--I'm going to bring over my cleaned-up and anonymous entries from the other journal. I don't like them adrift.
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