2:16 p.m. - February 22, 2002
Anacoenosis
Think I'm breaking up with the girlfriend tonight. "Think" because I'm still unsure though by now she's pretty pissed and likely breaking up with me. I was thinking earlier that passive-agressive behaviors reflect adolescent moodiness and two mature adults should be past playing relationship games, but there's a certain comfort for me that I've recognized all along: If she breaks up with me, I don't have to tell her and all will be fine. So it rings hollow (damn cliche) and screams Weak and chicken-shit and I recognize this but it does little to me.
How fucked up is it to have a girlfriend and a boyfriend and have to choose one or the other when I'm removing choice-making from the picture by orchestrating relationship meltdowns and guaranteeing singlehood but is simply opening a door to couplehood again? It's positively weak and uninspiring and makes me think I am of low character and when it comes around, like everything does, I'll look back and think Shit So This Is What It Feels Like.
Sucks to not have a shoulder to cry on.
