1:04 a.m. - March 04, 2002
Some spanking, some tickling, some sex
I cashed in the IOU and lived this weekend without an eye on the past and the other on the future, wary of the unknown, and have never felt so damn alive and glad to be caught up in the headiness of the moment.
Things have a way of changing. Wasn't alone in Seatown--Spec showed up too, Surprise Surprise and my plans went bye-bye (but I did check on grandma but not Bathsheba, and no doubt she was broken-hearted) and so did everything else. Spec's from a small town a few hours away so we played tour guide the whole weekend and covered everything from mountain snow to ferries to the beaches and Monitor, Hulamoons & Bathsheba, you'll agree when I say the weekend was made to order.
I was fucking giddy like a boy. I felt like a twenty-something for once in my life. I didn't feel the need to control or worry and I let go.
Let go of that pesky homophobia that made Spec sit on the far side of the couch. I'm talking I _really_ let go. Something clicked when he reached for me at the park in the pitch black and said Let Me Kiss You. I wanted him to, so I did. I liked it. A lot. It made me happy.
We got a hotel room. Slept in the same bed and wrestled for the remote (I wanted to watch hockey, he wanted to watch Star Trek. Yuck) and kissed some more and then I thought I'm Going For It and ran my hands all over his body and tickled him to hear him giggle. There's something about a jock giggling while wrestling in tightie-whities that makes you let go and live for now and say No Regrets No Regrets.
No Regrets. I kissed him. I licked him. I gave him head (but not so well, he said when I made him answer my query, but I told him to love what he was getting or else. Ladies, if only I could undo all those times I pushed your heads down and made you choke and said You Aren't Doing It Right So Do It Again. Trust me, I've seen the other side of it and hats off). We snuggled. We cuddled. Couldn't stop smiling and laughing. He wanted to fuck. I said OK out of naivete and no joke stuck my butt in the air but the mechanics wouldn't work because I kept scooting away and he said OK, We're Not Ready and I felt At last, I can say I love this guy. Slept in each other's arms.
Am I going on and on and on or what? Jesus. If I start to over-analyze I'd draw parallels between how I could never stand women who became needy after sex and all I wanted to do was kick them out of bed and often I did and God knows if they went on and on about the experiece I got bored and said Shut Up so surely my august readers are thinking the same thing but hey this is my journal and I'm writing about Letting Go in superficial terms because I'm tired and need to go to bed.
That was Friday.
Saturday kissed often, stealing kisses on the beach when nobody was around (it was deserted heh) and we could be certain there were no planes overhead or periscopes beneath and the best part was when he sat next to me on the driftwood log and held my hand and I thought If I am gay then I want this, just this, every day.
I thought Saturday was our last day together because he was going skiing Sunday and at 2:30 Sunday morning we woke up and talked and [fucked around? had sex? messed around? made love? (can a guy say that legitimately?)] cuddled and he said he wasn't going skiing so he could be with me some more and we were naked under the covers and I watched his face until he opened his eyes and said I Want You To Sleep I'll Keep the Bogeyman Away and so I did and Spec kept his word and I haven't slept so long in one stretch in years and I woke up warm and satisfied and thought Yup I'm Whupped and later that morning I let Spec take my cherry (hehe I like thinking that for some reason) and still, No Regrets.
I want to remember the experience, every detail. The way the air was chilly on my rear and I felt it between my cheeks when I panicked and said NO NO and he said I Would Never Hurt You and the quality of his voice was Genuine and I believed him, trusted him, and little by little in he went and It Hurt but I felt like I was flying through a cloud hot and chill and feathers running over my skin and my head pounded and I thought I'm Dreaming This and then it was over and I started to cry and wanted to throw up but he held me and you know what, the world didn't end and I didn't feel like when I was a kid and that Yawp moment came when I realized I did this voluntarily and hungered to give Spec what I could and it was not ripped from me by a pedophile to satisfy his own wants and I felt for once that this control after which I've always run for once slowed down and I caught it and I felt powerful and strong and the realization that I can beat it coursed through my body and I've felt alive since and again No Regrets.
On the plane ride home I couldn't help but think negatively about what I did this weekend and new labels that now apply and I'm bothered and ashamed but more confused over the ramifications as opposed to the acts themselves. If Spec and I take this thing to the end and we go our separate ways, I am 100% certain I wouldn't date another guy and would instead pursue women. Does it work this way? I'm not sure.
Inside I feel like I used Spec as if he was some prop in an exorcism of sorts and it's that making me feel ashamed and guilty. Heh. But No Regrets, not at all. I kissed him, climbed all over him, touched his body, sucked his cock, slept in his arms and got fucked. And I wonder if I'm gay? Or bisexual? Regardless, I feel alive and that is worth every minute of uncertainty and I'd do it again.
I plan on it.
