10:57 p.m. - March 17, 2002
Kol kol kol
I don't know what's wrong with me and that sentiment, now that I've written it, strikes me as absolutely pathetic and lacking any meaningful substance or statement of being or worldview or anything at all. There was a time when I was lucid and eloquent, or could argue passionately and write and be satisfied and currently, for a while, I feel that I'm looking at my notebook or monitor or my students or my life and it's unbalanced only slightly, a few degrees off to be almost unnoticeable but of course the subconscious picks up on it and gives you the queasy stomach feeling.
My eyes can't focus on the monitor screen.
This journal isn't working for me any longer. I'm not working for it--that's more accurate. Elevating the mundane is limpid and my writing like overlooked straw on a tree lot the day after Christmas.
My eyes hurt and I want this to go away. I want, I want. I want to write with all the shuns like devotion, emotion, skilltion. I want to stop writing shit and stop saying I so much, so that readers don't realize I'm ego-driven out of desperation to create some place where I'm in control and thus don't need to say I so much. I want to stop the ups and downs and the good days followed by the bad one after another and lately, the good minute followed by the bad on some hellish merry-go-round where my feet can't touch the ground and the music too loud in the incessant calliope tune that haunts my sleep and again the queasy feeling. I want to say I'll be okay and that I have a grip and that I can be beyond shallow and limpid and worthwhile not only to myself but to others but there, that's it--again, it comes down to others and I want to fuck them off, Fuck you off, and care not but write well and for you to want to know me instead of me wanting you.
Just why the fuck is it that surrounded by people I'm feeling so lonely that I'm unsure whether I'm even here myself?
And tomorrow I will be embarrassed that I wrote whatever's above and will create anew the illusion that all is well and I'm not an envious jealous insecure emotional midget.
