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8:07 a.m. - April 23, 2002
On picnics and self esteem
Took Spec to the airport last night after an afternoon spent on a sunny hillside amid flowers and birds where we had a picnic and read (Men's Health for him, Burning Marguerite for me) and talked and hiked. I brought him to my own Eden where I like to go when wanting to be alone and away from the millions surrounding me and the roar of traffic is drowned out by the sound of the wind against the grasses, one of my favorite sensations. Wish I had a digital camera so you could see this Eden disguised as a cattle ranch but some things are best kept secret.

This guy makes me happy in a way that makes me uncomfortable for no better reason than I don't trust these feelings of mine. Does that make any sense at all? He asked me why I have such few guy friends and I told him it's because I don't trust guys and the ones that I do I keep at bay and that indicates there's really no trust at all. It's the same with Spec, as if there's this part of me that is constantly on guard, wary of something whose arrival is guaranteed. I know what it is, this on guard fear, and rationalizing doesn't help any. But he's patient and tells me he won't allow me to push him away and those words and the feelings behind them are slowly replacing my anxieties and I say hallelujah and hurry up.

Problems aren't problems instrinsically but arise out of the way we handle them. I want to get a grip on these problems and understand them to own them and then shelve them away in my mental museum under Past. It's been too hard to carry all this around and striving to function normally. Either dwell and sink or accept and move forward and that's what I'm going to do.

Tomorrow is my first counseling session and I'm nervous, embarrassed, and ashamed but I'm giving it a try.

 

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