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8:38 a.m. - April 26, 2002
Evidentiary hearing 1
If I were a better communicator and less intimidated by counseling--that's what it is, if you didn't already know--I'd be more up front about the things that bother me instead of fronting. For what it's worth, I'm listing the things I think about that bother me. We'll see what comes of it. Randomly ordered as they come to mind.

(1) Can't handle closet doors. Have to be off. Strong aversion to walk-in closets.

(2) Poor interpersonal skills, but not all the time. Sometimes I attract a crowd and other times I'm left on the tarmac. Let it be one or the other because constant switching confuses me.

(3) Always on guard. Jump out and scare me and you'll hear the reason why I was teased for screaming like a girl. It's a little boys' scream.

(4) I'm fronting now as I write this.

(5) Sleep. I'd like to sleep more than 3 hours each night.

(6) Dreams. If I'm not dreaming something bothersome then I'm laying awake afraid to sleep because of the fear of dreaming something bothersome.

(7) Can't stop dwelling on the past. "If" is a favorite hobby.

(8) To be genuine with people. To trust people. To feel safe among them.

(9) To trust my guy friends and have my back slapped without jumping or hug without holding my body as far away as possible.

(10) To treat Spec as he deserves and open up to him. On this regard I'm improving but why do I fight it so much?

(11) Refer to #3 again. I am on the look out. I don't sit where I can't see everybody else. I find the exits closest to me and peruse obstacles. I'm hypercognizant of where I am, the people around me, and the nearest/fastest way to get away. This makes people who are with me uncomfortable (if they notice) and I whine about not having many friends?

Quel stupide exercise! Yeah, I know. It all seems to be what happened when I was a kid and that's what bothers me the most, why can't I simply say Yeah, That Happened and move on and be normal and successful and confident like everybody else? Maybe I make too big a deal of it. Maybe I don't make a big enough deal of it.

How is this supposed to work? Let down my guard and unload my crap to some counselor who's bored and thinking Jesus Christ Get On With It because deny it all they want, I have more than one professional counselor friend who confides that yes, that's what they think patient after patient. And now I'm a patient. I have a file. I'm not normal.

Apparently I'm considered a "hostile" patient. Heh. That makes me laugh some. Not much, but some.

 

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