11:37 p.m. - May 22, 2002
the lost episodes
Who am I kidding?
Overwhelming myself with work and the book to keep the mind occupied so I don't have to think about Spec. Unbelievable. It embarrasses me, this degree of emotional clingness, and it is utterly foreign and as welcome as a bichon frise in a pool hall. I'm angry with myself for opening up and wanting with such a passion and hunger I've never experienced, for losing self-control, for wanting him at the expense of everything.
A fetid mixture, nostalgia, anger, and melancholy.
I was less ashamed then than I am now, that's what hit me the worst when I think of the things I did. Perhaps with enough effort I'll forget all of it and become a lost episode.
Heh. I promise this will be the last I'll write of it.
