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8:55 p.m. - June 14, 2002
It's Friday night. What are you doing?
I'm cold because I'm proud, proud because I'm scared, scared because I don't know how to play the game right, and if I can't win, I don't play.

Spec left today for Washington, D.C. and he called me this morning, jocular and light-hearted at first and then started to cry, asking why I was hurting myself and him when all he wants to do is love me and for me to allow him to do so. Even as I said Spec, I don't think you know what love means I knew I was in the wrong. He arranged to be there because he had faith that I would get the job. He's been patient. He's never given me cause to regret anything. He made me understand loving another guy can be a beautiful thing. I'm the one who doesn't get it. I don't know what's wrong with me.

As I'm cold to him inside I think about the times we went to the movies and touched ankles because I wouldn't hold his hand or how he would read books about sexual abuse and asked me questions I'd avoid answering and he'd say Let Me In and while I pushed him away I could feel the thawing and wanted to reach closer but at that same moment grew scared and would draw away.

It would never work and he doesn't listen when I enumerate why from the list I've prepared. He's Abercrombie & Fitch literally and I'm Walmart. He's sensual and I become frigid. I believe in hell and he doesn't believe love can ever be sin. He has all the right answers and thinks I just need to be convinced like a child and he's certain he'll win so it becomes more a test of will and foolish stubbornness.

Stubborn, or being right?

I'm not making any sense.

It's the double life thing that I dislike the most. He wants to be buddies on the street and something else at home and while I'm not yammering to be the flag bearer at one of those rainbow parades, I don't want to hide. He was excited to meet A[deleted]a until he learned that I had told her about what was going on and that was the end of those plans. I don't want to hide but if asked I'd probably lie and talk about my girlfriend this and girlfriend that.

An awful lot of words to mask what I'm feeling right now. I want him. I miss him with such an ache and I want to cuddle up with his head on my shoulder like we used to and argue over the merits of hockey versus Star Trek and settle for turning the lights off and talking quietly holding hands.

I never did tell him that I had started to watch Star Trek in an attempt to like the things he likes.

 

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