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9:16 p.m. - June 16, 2002
On barbarians and the refrain, Woe Is Me (redux)
Saturday had lunch with Twig and she remarked that I'd become much more open and comfortable talking about myself, though she did mention I've yet to invite her in my house. One thing at a time, eh?

My house is my safe place.

When the appraiser was here she inquired into the status of the closet doors as I knew she would, and I said that they're stored in the garage. There wasn't a funny look but there was a pause, and then she said Prospective Buyers Feel Threatened By Exposed Closets, whereas I'm threatened by unexposed closets. Wherever I land, the closet doors come off first, isn't that silly?

I don't want to talk about this right now.

The situation with Spec has gotten out of hand, evolving into threats of I'll Ruin Your Life if I don't comply. I gave him my permission to out me to my grandma and sister and whoever else he cared to and that took the wind out of his sails. I know he was speaking out of anger but the more he pursues the more dispassionate I become, to the point that I don't recognize myself in the things I say to him. I'm angry at myself for still caring and I take it out on him, push push push and damn it, I'd like to punch him until he hurts enough and leaves to nurse his wounds.

He mutters I Wish You Were Normal and that makes two of us wishing for what is not graspable and I say I'm doing this for the best of both of us.

I don't know what else to do.

I'm terrified of it, this looming wave of Being Gay, with its bois and cheap sex and transitory partners celebrating a lifestyle I call evil and grounded only in the Self and yes, stereotypes abound but it is there like a noxious rainbow miasma and that is unwelcome, terrifying because it's the barbarian at the gate and for every top there is a bottom, for every man there is a woman, for every gay relationship there's the dominant and the submissive and the roles are cast and it would be me who's submissive and I will not have that.

I don't know what to do.

I tried it, gave it a shot, and it's not to my liking.

A lie, that.

 

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