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7:42 a.m. - July 02, 2002 This journal of mine differs than many because it meanders like drunk mosquitoes and I write primarily about myself, what's going on in my head and how I view the world through my eyes. I don't primarily write about others, what I did today, what I cooked, what I ate, or any of these things. I write to get to know myself and if that means taking a hard look at how I am, as I've been trying to do, then the best thing that can happen is that I develop my own sense of self and move on. Maybe you, being readers, don't see change, but I do. Yeah, it's slow; yeah, it's two steps forward, one sideways, three backwards, shake your leg all around, but I, me being the important figure in this dialogue of mine, I see change and improvement and that's good enough for me. All last night I thought about what I wrote yesterday and while I would not omit anything from the list, I do not feel I'm as cretinous as what you perhaps picture. The facts with which I need to counter my perceptions are there scattered around, and part of the challenge is gathering them close and creating a viable pastiche. It doesn't happen overnight, folks. I don't mean to sound defensive, but I am. First off, I dislike when people contradict, question, or disagree with me generally; secondly, not one of you knows me in real life (okay, fine, Twig and Bathsheba do) and you can't see how truly awkward and weird I am. If I'm not in front of a class teaching or signing, then I morph into a dork. That's the truth. Why be so afraid to admit the truth? So I'm not suicidal. My mind will not crack under the strain of self-hate. I am not looking for attention, for cyber hugs or emoticons. What I am looking for is grounding, and that happens only when you have enough will to closely examine. It's like clay; even the finest white clay has little bits of grit in it, but you don't throw away the sack; you work with what you've got. That's what I'm doing, identifying the grit so I know what I'm working with. That's all. Have to rush. Good thing the classroom is only on the other side of the green. Hasta!
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