3:13 p.m. - July 18, 2002
On shameless (non)pride/pride
Struck me as being in poor taste. P>
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I think I'll delete the above.
No, it makes me feel good.
But outside affirmation does little to me; it makes me feel small for some reason. I wonder if it'll always be this way.
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I want to write about something that happened with Spec and yes, again it's embarrassing and displays poor character and yes, it's drama so please don't tell me so. It's my life and these are the thoughts and events in it and I don't need to feel ashamed that I have drama.
He tracked down my mother (who also lives in Maryland) and talked to her on the phone in search of my address.
Prosodic elements insufficient to capture my (a) distress; (b) anger; (c) fear; (d) pleasure.
Yes, (d) is correct; I identify one emotion as pleasure because he wants to see me to such a degree he'd do the unthinkable. As wrong as that is on too many levels, it's something I readily admit. The more he tries and the more I pull away, the more I'm coming to terms with everything. Does that make any sense at all? It's as if the more he tries the more it sinks in that he's trying for a reason, and perhaps that reason isn't necessarily one that will cause me harm. Circular logic doesn't do much for me but talking things out might.
He talked to her on the phone.
One hand: Power trip. Dangerous. Psycho? Maleficient.
The other: Because I won't invite him over, he seeks to surprise me on the doorstep.
The relief: My mother doesn't know my address.
