10:04 p.m. - July 23, 2002
Bi the by
Connecting with someone isn't easy for me and happens as often and usually lasts as long as rafflesia arnoldi blooms, but tonight I connected with a woman named Marti I know from the university. We spent hours talking and then went out for coffee and talked some more about failed relationships and politics and personality disorders and how we both built houses at the same time with Habitat for Humanity after Hurriciane Andrew destroyed Homestead in 1992.
I like her--she's intriguing and funny and assertive, all qualities I enjoy most in women--and her intelligence is engaging and challenging. All pluses in my book, and she gets extra credit for being older and being fun to be around; she gets all this even before her Southern accent is addressed. Overload, that. But fun to be with, fun to hang out with. I like the connective process, the jokes, the way we both laugh. I like feeling like this.
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Spec asked me out to dinner and a movie Friday and I remained non-commital while the mental sumo wrestling match ensues. I don't want to lose him, as much as I feel like a wuss in saying so, but neither am I sure I want to keep him. Either way, it's untenable and choices must be made.
I don't want to give up on him; I want to see him through this hump he's in, just as he's stood by me, but what if I'm a fool? No, it's not foolishness; it's wanting something so strongly that the flaws are overlooked. Perhaps dwelling on the flaws instead of the bigger picture is foolish in equal measure.
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It felt great to be out with someone new.
Wonderful, even.
