6:13 p.m. - October 19, 2002
Jews for Jews and Jesus for Jesuits?
I don't often write about my faith or spirituality in general because my words cannot articulate my experience and I leave it at that, but there's always a gap between Thought and Writing that frustrates me.
You may not believe in anything beyond your experience, and I'll respect that; You may believe differently than I and I will respect that; You may be vehemently against what I believe, and I will respect that; but what I do not, cannot, and will not, is respect someone telling me my beliefs are wrong. I find much inherent confusion ad contradiction amidst relativism's No Right, No Wrong worldview and more food for thought (damn cliche) when I see individuals criticizing another person's beliefs as outdated, outmoded, incorrect, reprehensible, plain wrong. I see this most often in spiritual contexts and it hurts.
This morning I went to synagogue; it has been a long time since I attended services. If you recall, I wrote once before about finding out I wasn't (technically) Jewish, and you may also know I try to be Christian. The Jewish aspect of my spirituality is an important part of my life, in equal measure to the Christianity and I feel the two complement each other like a herringbone pattern: Separate, different, yet together and one. For years I labeled myself a Jewish Christian because I sought to respect and actualize both faith communities, though it wasn't until post-college that I began to see my faith as noxious in other people's eyes.
I worked this afternoon with an interpreter who is the epitome of the classic Jewish Grandmother and after the assignment she happened to glance into my car and saw some materials I brought with me; when she saw "Messianic" and "Jewish" in the same sentence, all she could think of was Jews for Jesus (definitely not my thing); she ranted and called me a disgrace and our conversation touched on points like a Geiger counter, never staying in one place. She lectured, patronized, called me stupid and in the next breath dismissed me, saying You're not Jewish anyway. I guess that's true now, but is it? I was raised Jewish, attended more Hebrew school than anybody I knew, made aliyah, can recite prayers from A-Z, can and do read my siddur; in many ways I always considered myself more Jewish than many American Jews. Yet when I became a Christian did that erase my background, my upbringing? Of course not. It is a very real and profound part of me.
The sticking point is Jesus as Messiah Or Not. A rabbi once told me that a Jew could be a Buddhist or an atheist yet not a Christian, because if Judaism is predicated on waiting for the Messiah, then belief in a Christ believed to be the Messiah fulfills the wait and one is no longer Jewish. Perhaps I don't know much about these things, but since when did Judaism exist in opposition to Christianity? And please, folks, don't point to the Crusades because that argument is silly. The Judaism I know and experience is the profound uknowability of God, the call to faith the shema; the Christianity I know and experience is the boundless love of God, the closeness and relationship with God. The two, for me, are bridged: My faith transcends the Jesus is my buddy syndrome because I know and understand both parts of the coin and can reconcile the world around me. Is this such a bad thing? I didn't say it, but what if modern Judaism missed the boat in literal and symbolic terms of messianic fulfillment?
For me, I'm at a comfortable place with my faith that incorporates and fulfills my background. Do you know what it's like to participate in a seder from a Jewish Christian point of view, when the symbols become alive and meaningful? Or to understand covenants as power and responsibility and not simple declarations of faith? It is an amazing bridge and it works for me so I don't know why I became so defensive this afternoon. I did tell my colleague that assimilation and outright dismissal of God has done more damage to the Jewish community than any Christian ever has. Do you know what she said? She said she'd prefer Jews to be atheist than believe in God if God was Christ. Think about that for a minute.
I tried not to disparage my colleague though I couldn't help think about her own spiritual habits (there are none, according to her): She's active culturally, but spiritually, she's not very interested. She's more into yoga and New Age philosophies than the Holy Days, yet she is hardcore cultural Jew in the American, assimilationist manner: Since there is no mention of pot in the Torah, it's okay, as are other preferences. I find her reasoning to be interesting though tease her a bit when she chides me for having unJewed myself, as if Judaism lost a point or two when I became a Christian.
She bothered me. I'm still bothered. The point of all this is why beat somebody down for one's faith? I try to do my best with what I have; yeah, sure, I wish more people had similar spiritual experiences and felt connected with God, but I know that's their business and not mine. I suppose I am being hypocritical, because if a friend of mine became involved with, say, Hare Krishnas, I might speak up from my own biases. Perhaps Jewish Grandmother colleague feels that Jewish Christianity is on the same level. If she is so concerned about Judaic purity, why doesn't she follow the Law as prescribed? Oh, too difficult, is it? Well, that's the fucking point!
For me, I feel for Christians who are unaware of their spiritual background; I feel for Jews caught up in today unaware of their spiritual inheritance. But I'm not going to say any of you are wrong, ya know?
There is God; does it matter how we worship, as long as we do?
