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12:30 a.m. - December 25, 2002
Christmas 2002, early morning
Performances went well; was asked why I'm so hard on myself, why push so hard to excel, why I'm stuck up, why I'm me. This from a near-stranger to me, emboldened by fallacious collegiality inspired by a challenging assignment; if I say so myself, my Carol of the Bells was good. Overall, everything was good, though could have been much better. I doubt I'll do this again.

Deluded colleague was upset to see (or not see) his name ommitted from the program and I was upset to see mine included but you know what struck me? All these gay people appeared content or secure with themselves that I felt envious; my security derives from judging these people and hating myself for being one of them-yet-not but I'm the one looking in at the party from outside, unsure of whether I belong or want to belong and where to go to next.

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions or in making promises to myself that I know I won't keep, but I want to be in a better mindset this time next year.

Merry Christmas.


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