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2:17 a.m. - January 16, 2003
Not a serene image, Jason studying at night by yellow lamplight
When people ask, Isn't Stanford hard? in that asinine manner, I think No, it's the long quiet nights when studying isn't an escape but a desperation to keep things together, to keep in and keep out, to concretize, that's hard. Yes, I returned to school for the wrong reasons: I was feeling scared and studying is my rowan tree, my escape, my safe place.

What is it that I'm responding to? Why the need? Please, please let it be more than the things I can't stop thinking about.

There is a steady drip coming from the kitchen faucet and I hear the ping coming under my door and I'm tempted to count the drops if it would make me fall asleep but again tonight I don't want to close my eyes.

I am very tired.


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