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12:38 p.m. - March 08, 2004
Just when I think I'm gaining ground I slip up: Last night I cleaned the bathroom and today I smell of chemicals and feel strangly relieved and peaceful. It is a powerful connection, a fix maybe, if I knew exactly what constitutes and characterizes a fix, between need and release that comes to fruition in a can of Ajax, Formula 409, and the scrub brush. I don't know what it means and how or why the urge to clean manifests itself like this. It isn't a compulsion (I don't think); it's a way for me to stop thinking when thoughts are out of control or I'm emotionally overwhelmed. It's centering, something that doesn't change around which I can reorganize, strategize, calm down.

Worked Saturday. Worked for a while Sunday. Went to Ryan II's house to help him pack (he's moving to a different apartment) and watch a movie. For sex, why not recognize it for what it is? And it didn't go well, had one of my reactions and didn't know what to do and I just don't understand it. These things reinforce the thinking that I should stay away from intimacies and relationships because it's not working and it's killing me. I have a year and a half until I hit 30. I'm not stuck or going nowhere; the momentum is down, down, down.


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