9:05 a.m. - March 18, 2004
A is for absolute.
B is for boring. So boring that my keychain is merely a round ring with keys. No personality.
C is for cock. My nose smashed against pubes = heaven.
D is for Daniel Boone. He was a hero during my I-have-a-hero-from-American-history phase.
E is for Everybody Out of the Pool. I dislike swimming with strangers. Canít trust them not to pee.
F is for foolish. I do dumb things like walk into doors with distressing regularity.
G is for gay. If I wasnít me, Iíd be a twink. The horror.
H is for home improvement overestimation. My bathroom project is still on hiatus.
I is for impatient. I canít stand dumb people but theyíre too entertaining to give up.
J is for Jehovahís Witnesses. I like reading their magazines and asking why they keep changing the date for Armageddon.
K is for killjoy. A conversation with me quickly veers to the serious, the mundane, the search for an exit.
L is for life insurance. Everybody should have it.
M is for misanthrope. I donít want to be one but this condition may be like Michael Jackson denying he wants to be white: Everybody knows he is.
N is for noisome. Itís a favorite word.
O is for opera. Strong aversion. Does this mean Iím uncultured?
P is for post-traumatic stress disorder. Everybodyís traumatized, everybodyís diagnosed with something. Calling Ricki Lake.
Q is for quibble. Iím fascinated by the things people fight over, that loss of self-control when passions and old hurts fly. Iíd like to let loose like that.
R is for residue. Soap scum is particularly noxious to me.
S is for Save My Own Skin. Iíd like to think I possess noble, self-sacrificial traits, but I cover my ass first.
T is for touch. Of all the things I want, this is first on the list. To touch and be touched, and not worry, just enjoy.
U is for uptight. Thatís a given.
V is for VW Bug. Have never ridden in one, either the classic or contemporary models.
W is for When I Grow Up, I want to try skydiving.
X is for Xanthippe. Go look it up.
Y is for Youíre A Nice Guy, Jason. Just like Charlie Brown, and look how heís turned out.
Z is for zit. Why is it in gay porn they donít cover up zits on a guyís ass? I fixate on these things and find my viewing pleasure substantially hampered.