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8:43 a.m. - April 01, 2004
A chacun son gout
Ryan II came over last night. To my list of Desired Qualities in a Boyfriend list [editor's note: redundant. If I edit it out post-posting and post-being-read-by-others, for whom am I editing?], I am adding lives no closer than a 25-minute radius. Brought his usual repetoire - a DVD and popcorn - and I refuse to believe this is normal life and that I should be satisfied, thankful, fulfilled. Is it possible I have found someone even more a bump on a log than I? The above simply illustrates what I've known all along: We are not compatible and this means I'm biding my time. An unsavory thought.

He invited me to sleep over his house so I could shower and shave this morning but I declined. Fuck a shower and shave - I need, in simple terms, to take a dump but that is one thing I do not do at other peoples' houses. Categorically refuse the possibility. I figure not eating until I have plumbing restored is a good move and so far so good. I hope other people have this same no-shared-toilet policy because otherwise I'd sound a bit off.

Generally, a little too late.


Something's on my mind and in the spirit of being open, here it is, presented to myself for inspection. I'm rather good at ignoring bothersome topics and this is one that creeps me out. When Ryan II and I play around, I tend to swallow being the good bottom I am, but sometimes he'll cum elsewhere; rather than seeking a cum rag, he eats some of it. I donít mean wiping up an errant shot on his face but scooping up the puddle of Elmerís glue and slurping it down. I suppose he thinks itís erotic but it makes me queasy and since Day One of our sex life heís been after me to try my own. Can we say hell no? Is this normal gay sex behavior?

Underlying everything per usual are my insecurities (surprise, surprise) regarding gay sex. Is personal-cum-recycling a kink, an established practice, a fringe turn on or what? Should I be turned off and disgusted, or appreciate the act? I donít know what to do or say when he does it and I doubt heís figured out why I insist on giving him head rather than settling for a handjob: I donít want him to eat his own jizz. Thereís something wrong with that for me, though Iím well aware of my own jizz-eating turn-on. But oneís own? I want to be a dignified fag, not one who does nasty things behind closed doors that make people whisper. Is there such a thing?


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