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8:54 a.m. - April 15, 2004
Eh. I've had enough of worrying about character deficiencies and the interplay between interest and a pro forma objection to indulging in something new and enjoying it. If I feel bad it is only because I dislike stretching boundaries, especially personal or sexual lines in the sand in light of self-condemnation and judgment. I am not a terrible person just because I breathe.

Last night I chatted online with this guy and ended up doing phone sex. People, holy shit. An hour and 12 minutes and it was incredible. I shot all over my face and into my eye - I always watch because I find the physics of form and motion compelling - and when the lead spurt headed on a direct trajectory I thought How interesting! before it landed in my eye. Cum in an eyeball stings like a fucker. But I did this and feel no shame, merely amusement and that minor thrill of a potential danger called a frisson.

My sexcapades have taken a new turn. I feel juvenile and embarrassed. Tonight I have dinner with Ryan II to talk (he is right, I know, but I don't know how to make it work), I have an in-person date with Internet Jon on Saturday, and Phone Sex Guy was more exciting than anything I've done lately.

What I find fascinating this morning is how alert and energetic I feel, this after going to sleep around 3:00.


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