9:51 a.m. - July 17, 2004
Diverse thoughts, arranged in parenthetical format
Interpreting Mike P.'s wedding tonight. Apparently he told A[deleted]a that the day he became engaged, he decided he wanted me to interpret his wedding. That makes me smile, not the proud and arrogant smirk I manufacture readily, but what I call my quiet smile that is selfish and hard on the outside, a simple lopsided upturning of my lips. It is a smile of disappointment and yearning with a slight dash of hope and optimism but quickly subsides into something else. I believe in luck and grace for others but not for me, that's what the smile means.
The silent thought skulks: The closest I get to marriage vows is speaking them aloud for someone who cannot.
It isn't bitterness. Capitulation? Realization? Acceptance? I don't know.
Tomorrow night's the get-together at Kim's house. As soon as I park the Cherokee the face goes on and I become chatty (for me, at least), I smile and laugh, pull amusing anecdotes and stories out of my ass, hold my own. As soon as I close the door and before turning the ignition, I will sit exhausted and with a headache and hate myself for another victory.
Turns out I am teaching at the university this summer after all, though just for one intensive course. Bought my ticket for August 2 - 21 but the truth is, I don't feel like going. I will enjoy the time I'm there and fulfilling the role of wunderkind from start to finish, but I'd rather garden some in the backyard, work that plot of land abutting the bay window. I want something like Spanish lavendar there, perhaps some small flowers underneath. No time for that, no time no time.
No time for that, but I have time to sleepwalk all day.
Considering a Potempkin village assault on the unfinished front yard. The crew I hired is gone and I paid $1,300 to have my front section rototilled and topsoil / compost added. Simple answer: Hire another crew to finish the sprinkler system and install sod. If I rush I may be able to finish before Lisa returns and I can smile and pretend all went well according to plan. But I boil inside with impotence.
Another conference in Indianapolis. Why there, again? Will submit a proposal to present.
I say that, but will likely let the deadline come and go.
Printing out the archives of Bigsky and Non-Descript, preparing for shut down. Still haven't decided what to do with those who have asked for passwords. I'm enjoying the solitude, having my space for me.
