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10:55 a.m. - October 13, 2004
Inaction, action, which way will the wind blow?
To go or not to go, to self-identify as gay or maintain the unsatisfying stranger in a strange land posture, to attend the gathering for gay Christians and see the spectrum of belief liberal and conservative, but all gay. I am afraid to commit, afraid of these cracks appearing in my line of defense. I want to go and meet the people I've chatted with online, to hang out and worship, to feel for a weekend at least these two important halves of my life can co-exist and co-exist publicly. I am not worried that this gathering would be MCC-ish, that watered-down earth-wind-fire-water motley of Christian beliefs applied to a New Age rainbow framework so what's holding me back? Perhaps it is the notion of having to reconcile these halves, the gay and Christian parts. Maybe I won't fit in (maybe? optimism, that). Maybe Justin-from-Florida will be disappointed with the way I look and that interest he's exhibited will cool off. Maybe I'll realize I do in fact have a gay voice when I hear other voices. Maybe I'll sit by myself and wish I hadn't gone. But I am curious, envision a connection to something beyond me the same way coda events do when it's just us and there is a certainty of knowing exactly where everybody comes from and is at this given moment.

The largest out is Bathsheba's wedding. The gathering is in Dallas on January 8-9. Bathsheba's wedding is January 9 in Seattle. I can fly from San Francisco to Dallas on Friday, attend the gathering most of Saturday, but have to get on a 6 p.m. flight to Seattle that evening, and make the wedding on Sunday. Return to SF from Seattle Monday morning, giving me a chance to visit grandma. and Spec, if he's still being nice. I would do all that just to have a few hours with people like me, but what if they're not?

And Joel! I could meet Joel but the same worries apply. The ticket is $418.39 and available until midnight tonight.


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