10:17 a.m. - October 20, 2004
Why is it I want to give head and will even to a guy whose name I do not know, but am scared to kiss? Why is it that the intimacy I respond to involves degrading me and I am automatically skeptical when someone says nice things about me? What makes me so nothing compared to ugly guys who can find somebody? How have I become so unappealing physically and emotionally - mental, too? - that coming to terms with aloneness is not advisable but a pre-requisite? And yet these people like Ryan and Jon come into my life and I can't respond because they're too nice and I am too unsure about what I'm supposed to do. A movie with Jon is a way to be close to people and feed that desire to do something with people, be among people. Ryan calls and I feel empty like I'm peering at him in the dark trying to find something, a spark, anyhing, that I can identify and grab onto like a compass or map and be decisive. Instead of having standards I have none, a fantasy wishlist of a reader, a good conversationalist, caring and ambitious, gentle and patient, someone who will love and be loved has degenerated into you're willing to be seen with me? Sure, I'll suck your cock. I once told Nividian my deepest fear/worry and it was a relief to be honest and admit something to myself much less to another, to transmit the immutable but doing so didn't make it any easier for me to understand. I like/d being hit, being talked down to, being nothing, but hit me more so I can replace the memories of before with something new and can move on. The rougher the better, let me trade my mental punches with the corporeal, let me be your punching bag until I get it out of my system and then I can be normal, I can let go, I can be certain of something, at least: I am in control instead of the past which is sucking the life out of me.
Things should not be like this.