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1:41 p.m. - November 07, 2004
There is not much more to say and it frightens me
Ack. It's harder than I anticipated. Just buck up, smile; although all is not well I can make it seem so.

It reminds me of the time I spent practicing the Moonlight Sonata: Memorize the pattern of fingers and keys and make beautiful music happen, be proud of the accomplishment. Yet flowing along just beneath the surface like capillaries executing their function was the sentient, cutting awareness that the music was off, not quite right, flawed because while I could easily memorize the placement of keys and fingers, I never grasped just when the pedal had to be pushed or not and so never did. On the surface, right enough but never underneath, that is one lesson I've learned well.

I am afraid of my future, those are the words made of letters I couldn't figure out before. Ach.


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