10:11 a.m. - February 04, 2005
As long as we have corresponded, I've felt mined and picked over, as if he's searching for something, and when he mentioned he calls to mitigate anxiety or loneliness, I've felt used. And I don't like that, but thought perhaps I derived some ancillary benefit as part of a two-way, equitable exchange. But yesterday I realized I know nothing about this guy who calls me a few times each week, not for lack of trying. And that's the realization and difference I was thinking about last night when I was on the phone with him: I've tried to get to know him, have deliberately laid down my defenses as best I can because I want that connection, value his friendship. But one can stretch out his hand only so long before it tires of waiting to be met and gripped in return.
I realize how he is with me is how I am with others. I do not like what I see. The question remains then, What do you do about it? I'm tired of revelation: I want to expend effort and see some damn results.