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10:11 a.m. - February 04, 2005
I don't feel sorry, but I do feel a loss
Once again I've inserted foot-in-mouth with such ease it reminds me I've had far too much experience with bungling the intended and managing the effects poorly. Reviewing the events I'm hard-pressed to understand why I pushed, why I felt angry, disillusioned, hurt enough to hurt someone else for whom I feel a great deal of care. At what point does responsibility to self trump that of another, and is telling oneself I'm tired of this inherently selfish? I feel guilty, feel naked, my loss of control over myself having been witnessed.

As long as we have corresponded, I've felt mined and picked over, as if he's searching for something, and when he mentioned he calls to mitigate anxiety or loneliness, I've felt used. And I don't like that, but thought perhaps I derived some ancillary benefit as part of a two-way, equitable exchange. But yesterday I realized I know nothing about this guy who calls me a few times each week, not for lack of trying. And that's the realization and difference I was thinking about last night when I was on the phone with him: I've tried to get to know him, have deliberately laid down my defenses as best I can because I want that connection, value his friendship. But one can stretch out his hand only so long before it tires of waiting to be met and gripped in return.

I realize how he is with me is how I am with others. I do not like what I see. The question remains then, What do you do about it? I'm tired of revelation: I want to expend effort and see some damn results.


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