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9:51 p.m. - March 31, 2005
Shelly tried to commit suicide last night. She cut her wrists and sat in her car, in the middle of a deserted parking lot. Carrie says she knew what she was doing - the cuts were made lengthwise. Is it good fortune or bad to try suicide and to fail? Shelly was discovered this morning still alive, and now is in the hospital, refusing to see anybody, even Carrie. I can't wrap my mind around this. On one hand I don't know Shelly well, on the other we shared very personal information the way people do in a small, tight-knit Bible study. Everything going for her: Friends, family, career, fiance, attractive, plus an eating disorder. How she'd eat dessert with gusto, would smile and say for most of her life she had denied herself the pleasure of homemade whipped cream and strawberries, delightfully savoring her portion in a way that always made me feel ashamed of taking things for granted. I understand but don't, want to think life is so much easier if you have a circle of people who care for you, but maybe it's having a support network but being unable to realize that, or connect with it, that is far worse than having nothing at all.

For Shelley.
Refa einu adonai venerafe hosheaynu veniva she’ah ki tehikatenu atah veha’a’leh refu’ah shelemah l’kol makotaynu ki el melech rofei ne’eman verachaman atah baruch atah adonai rofe cholei ‘ammo yisrael


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