7:39 a.m. - April 15, 2005
The cost of honest confrontation is that I don't think I'll hear from him again - my choice, not his. I won't maintain a porous friendship. So much for feeling in touch with emotions! I never know what to call people like Joel or Maya: friends? Correspondants? Confidantes? Regardless, I feel I cannot trust him and therefore have no motivation for ____ship. It hurts though because I would call him friend; I think that is why I was so hurt. I consider so few people to be my friends that the loss of one is gaping. Joel was an experiment of sorts for me, or rather the vehicle for my own exploration as I made the conscious effort to be open and keep in touch while never knowing just what exactly he wanted. It is sad that I view people this way, as wanting something from me. Just tell me what it is and if I can provide it, I will, but move on if I cannot.
I have mixed emotions about this experience but while it hurts, I think overall it is a good hurt. I will miss him and that makes me wonder if I'm overlooking a valued aspect of friendship - forgiveness - but I'm not so sure. Forgiving those who hurt me is not something I have much experience with. And in uncertainty I do nothing. Ha. What a head fuck.