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7:39 a.m. - April 15, 2005
Uncertainties beware
Last night I talked to Joel and was put off by his I'm-not-sure-what-you're-talking-about until I mentioned what I had heard his friend say. Oh, that, I had hoped you didn't notice, or that we could ignore what happened because that's what we both do. Not this time. As I explained my reaction and how it made me feel I felt braver and more proud of myself - the conviction that I'm the same as I've always been simply doesn't hold true. I am changing, improving, or at least getting better at recognizing and articulating emotions and expressing them to someone. To have words for these feelings felt good, to say to myself, I feel angry, or betrayed, or violated, as if for the first time I was eating fruits of those names and learning their meanings. This is something both Dr. Indy and Brad felt was paramount in coming to terms with past events. I felt good, it feels good, to have stuck to my guns rather than ignoring my reaction and thinking that I deserve to be hurt and just take it, file it away and blithely move on. Well fuck that.

The cost of honest confrontation is that I don't think I'll hear from him again - my choice, not his. I won't maintain a porous friendship. So much for feeling in touch with emotions! I never know what to call people like Joel or Maya: friends? Correspondants? Confidantes? Regardless, I feel I cannot trust him and therefore have no motivation for ____ship. It hurts though because I would call him friend; I think that is why I was so hurt. I consider so few people to be my friends that the loss of one is gaping. Joel was an experiment of sorts for me, or rather the vehicle for my own exploration as I made the conscious effort to be open and keep in touch while never knowing just what exactly he wanted. It is sad that I view people this way, as wanting something from me. Just tell me what it is and if I can provide it, I will, but move on if I cannot.

I have mixed emotions about this experience but while it hurts, I think overall it is a good hurt. I will miss him and that makes me wonder if I'm overlooking a valued aspect of friendship - forgiveness - but I'm not so sure. Forgiving those who hurt me is not something I have much experience with. And in uncertainty I do nothing. Ha. What a head fuck.


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