6:27p.m. - July 11, 2005
An up and a down. Or (subtitled) A Pound and an Ounce
Ryan called earlier after a lengthy silence. He left a message a month or two ago to which I never responded though I did smile when I heard his voice. We chatted for a couple minutes and it felt good, it really did, to hear him say he misses cuddling with me. I could have done without his following comment: Cuddling with big guys is great. I am a big guy? God, this is awful. Of course I am, I know this, but I'd hoped I was somewhere on the fat spectrum closer to could drop a few pounds or carries his weight well. From the perspective of a man in excellent shape, I am in big guy territory. A few pounds on the scale and I'll hit gastric-bypass candidate. The only fat gay men I know are the ones in relationships. What happens to single fat gay men? I don't think Ryan will call again; there is a point when people tire of being pushed away. I'm just not interested in him. I'm not interested in anybody. I'm not interested in myself.
Out of the blue a client inquired whether he could ask a personal question. I nodded my head and he asked if I am a Christian. I said yes and he said he could tell, can always tell. The exterior has yet to show signs of the dry rot.
