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11:42 a.m. - July 23, 2005
Powerful thunderstorm last night paired with 60-mph winds, and I sat on my tiny balcony to watch the show. Watching lightning and (hearing) thunder is like seeing beasts in the wild, or jumping into the ocean and being at the mercy of something that does as it pleases. The insignificance I feel is overwhelming and beautiful and more than once I thought of flying off my perch to be buffeted and roiled by the storm, swimming through the air and encountering the lightning aroma. I slept well.

This morning I thought about friendship and space, reaching the conclusion that for whatever reason, I have a finite capability and space for friendship. Limited amicable resources, perhaps. It's as if I can't focus on too many people; that, or too many people overwhelm me and it's uncomfortable. The fewer people to whom I open up and am vulnerable with, the less likely it is I will be hurt. Yet, there is a greater opportunity to be hurt because so much is invested into a few. Eh. What am I so afraid of? Perhaps it isn't fear but something else?

Enough of nothing. I'm going for a walk.


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