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4:49 a.m. - October 18, 2005
Up too early
A3 is more involved in the gay community than I had realized, which is not necessarily an undesirable of off-putting component. However, he wants (expects?) me to go with him to gay bars and clubs - and that's undesirable. It's not simply an undesirable, it's a no-go, though not a deal breaker. We had a long talk about identity, affiliation, and camaraderie, but A3 seems stuck in the but you're gay argument which apparently means if you're one of the sheep you have to live in the same herd.

If asked with whom I align myself in terms of identity, it would be something like this:
1) I am a Christian
2) I am a coda
3) I am conservative politically and socially
4) I am gay.
I would rather associate and socialize with others who reflect my core being rather than those who share a similar interest in the same gender. What I didn't understand was A3's reaction, as if I am compelled to share a deeper connection with other gay men simply because we all like dick. I'm sorry but that is such a minor part of my life that the gay community just doesn't figure into it.

I understand some of his points, particularly the one about being free to express himself when in a gay environment but we butted heads over semiotics - when he thinks bar he thinks of a gay bar; when I think bar I think anything but a gay bar. I suppose there should be some iota of flattery going on given how he said he wants to show me off to his friends (what is the man thinking???) and be able to relax and let down his guard, something he apparently can't do at a straight bar. I don't see why it's a big deal - the one gay bar Spec and I went to in Baltimore wasn't shocking or disgusting (but Oz mentioned once the scene was probably in the back room) but was so un-memorable I have little inclination to return.

We went around and around the issue of ranking identification because he's stunned that I don't first identify myself as a gay man. I have no interest in doing so - there are more important things out there than who I like to sleep with.

I suppose I'll have to work on this discomfort of mine and go to a gay bar with him, but there is absolutely zero motivation and interest in calling myself a member of the gay community, much less participating in it.


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