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5:12 p.m. - November 05, 2005
Confusion without giving up leads to... hanging in there and liking it
A3 will arrive soon to take me to the airport - Las Vegas until Tuesday, then somewhere else Thursday through Sunday.


Literally last minute - two days ago - I was asked to present two workshops to cover holes left by separate family emergencies. This conference was supposed to be a vacation of sorts - Las Vegas, bright lights, Cirque du Soleil - but I accepted the request, an acceptance rather sour for me. See, I said yes because I do like that feeling of saving the day and because I get to plug my books, which is expressly forbidden in general but they're bending the rules for me. When will this ego of mine be controlled?

A3 and I - what to say? It's confusing for me, it feels good, it is eliciting very minor baggage-worries. There has been only one shut-down when A3 and I have been intimate and I suspect my issues with Spec were with him and perhaps not only with me. A novel thought. I do not have enough experience to form conclusions so I'll put it out there - this bewilders me and worries me: I can't get him off my cock. I am uncomfortable saying that but it can't be phrased any other way - every chance he gets, he's at it or wants to be at it. Folks, this is me we're talking about - maybe if I was hot that would be one thing, but I can't even stand looking at myself in the mirror, and here's A3 toucing me, sucking me, cuddling me.

God knows I'm not in Kansas any more.

Time to go. Las Vegas, my birthday - the possibilities are endless. Of course I won't do anything out of the ordinary or fun, but still: I can watch people having fun, and that's just as good.


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