4:00 p.m. - December 31, 2005
New Year's Eve
Declaring 2005 a wash is an antiseptic coverup, like mopping the floor but depositing the gunk in the corners - despite the mess, the floor is still cleaner than it was prior. 2005 was difficult but not wholly so, or at least not without perforations in the bad between which my days were more than pretty good. I am discontent with the overall tenor of 2005 but as quickly as I focus on the negative those mangesium flashes where I laughed and felt hopeful cannot be overlooked.
Consider:
(1) A blazing joy and disappointment was meeting A3; during those short months I learned how a simple act of looking someone in the eyes can be sublime, realized I no longer felt afraid when being touched. It was also difficult having the worries and fears I strive to keep ignored rear up in cruel, triumphant irony: So now I can sleep next to a man without having nightmares, I can invite intimacy and not feel dirty when touched - but when asked to top, all I think about is whether what I'm feeling at that moment is how the bogeyman felt when I was a child. A mood-and-bone-killer that A3 couldn't handle, despite my openness. Conclusion: I enjoy intimacy, but it's for other people, not me.
(2) I came out, more or less. We discussed it and will be supportive from my sister, pronounced oracle fashion. I don't feel like I've come out; I still resist that gay-or-nothing sentiment by jaded family who insist on bisexuality as a waystation. Conclusion: A toss-up.
(3) I am attending a national conference for gay Christians in January; people want to meet me in person, one in particular thinks we're destined to be together, and when I made my hotel reservation and the clerk asked, This is for the gay conference? I said yes with a goofy smile. The downside: The guy who thinks I'm fantastic, with whom I've chatted online and via telephone, is simply too girly for me. It's the voice - stereotypically feminine - and the verbal mannerisms that slay me. It is clear I haven't learned to look past such things. Conclusion: Much more comfortable than before, but I'm holding back.
(4) I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's alone and asleep. Unhappy pits, zero light - except for Christmas Eve when Chelsea refused my excuses and I joined her extended family for a late dinner. I loved it, imagining the whole time that this was my family, enjoying a glimpse into How Life Is For Other People. Since I didn't leave until well after midnight, I kept my pledge from 2004: Do not be alone on Christmas. Conclusion: Cannot beat myself up for failure.
(5) A major falling-out with Joel over trust. He had shared one (maybe more?) of my most personal troubles with a friend who brought it up and laughed derisively at it/me within my hearing range. It hurt tremendously and my first reaction was to do what I try to do so well: Cut ties, box the hurt away, and excise, excise, excise. I deliberated and wavered and decided that sometimes friends hurt each other and forgiveness is one of the bookends of friendship. A definite growth moment for me. And since then, our friendship has fallen apart. Conclusion: Taking risks and defying instinct can hurt, but only sometimes - a much more satisfying worldview.
(6) Despite the downs, I still believe I'm in a better place than I was before. Conclusion: 2006 will continue the upward trend.
Best wishes.
