4:00 p.m. - December 31, 2005
(1) A blazing joy and disappointment was meeting A3; during those short months I learned how a simple act of looking someone in the eyes can be sublime, realized I no longer felt afraid when being touched. It was also difficult having the worries and fears I strive to keep ignored rear up in cruel, triumphant irony: So now I can sleep next to a man without having nightmares, I can invite intimacy and not feel dirty when touched - but when asked to top, all I think about is whether what I'm feeling at that moment is how the bogeyman felt when I was a child. A mood-and-bone-killer that A3 couldn't handle, despite my openness. Conclusion: I enjoy intimacy, but it's for other people, not me.
(2) I came out, more or less. We discussed it and will be supportive from my sister, pronounced oracle fashion. I don't feel like I've come out; I still resist that gay-or-nothing sentiment by jaded family who insist on bisexuality as a waystation. Conclusion: A toss-up.
(3) I am attending a national conference for gay Christians in January; people want to meet me in person, one in particular thinks we're destined to be together, and when I made my hotel reservation and the clerk asked, This is for the gay conference? I said yes with a goofy smile. The downside: The guy who thinks I'm fantastic, with whom I've chatted online and via telephone, is simply too girly for me. It's the voice - stereotypically feminine - and the verbal mannerisms that slay me. It is clear I haven't learned to look past such things. Conclusion: Much more comfortable than before, but I'm holding back.
(4) I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's alone and asleep. Unhappy pits, zero light - except for Christmas Eve when Chelsea refused my excuses and I joined her extended family for a late dinner. I loved it, imagining the whole time that this was my family, enjoying a glimpse into How Life Is For Other People. Since I didn't leave until well after midnight, I kept my pledge from 2004: Do not be alone on Christmas. Conclusion: Cannot beat myself up for failure.
(5) A major falling-out with Joel over trust. He had shared one (maybe more?) of my most personal troubles with a friend who brought it up and laughed derisively at it/me within my hearing range. It hurt tremendously and my first reaction was to do what I try to do so well: Cut ties, box the hurt away, and excise, excise, excise. I deliberated and wavered and decided that sometimes friends hurt each other and forgiveness is one of the bookends of friendship. A definite growth moment for me. And since then, our friendship has fallen apart. Conclusion: Taking risks and defying instinct can hurt, but only sometimes - a much more satisfying worldview.
(6) Despite the downs, I still believe I'm in a better place than I was before. Conclusion: 2006 will continue the upward trend.