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10:45 p.m. - January 23, 2006
On friends
I am lucky to have people who care about me. I don't know which sentiment - being lucky, or being cared for - strikes me as more unlikely or improbable, but it is true. Sometimes everybody needs to take a step back and review covered ground, or look at the big picture for a while and rather than focus attention on particular details see how mysteriously events merge together and form something worthwile. It is a relief, it really is, to say and believe there are others out there who care for me despite my flaws and shortcomings. Never underestimate the opportunity for change.

(it's called grace)

Laying on the floor for too long, ruminating on the weekend, and the phone rings; it is CM who replies to my I'm-fine with OK, now tell me more, and listens carefully to what I had to say. It is later, again laying on the floor in the dark, and the phone rings; it is Shannon with her voluble Hi! that always lifts my spirits. It is what I needed before knowing what I needed. Things like that make outstanding lanterns as one muddles through this life.

Very last word on Joel and the weekend, thanks to CM's probing questions and on-the-spot analysis: Antisocial personality disorder, in the classic sense, sans ambitions of world domination and other traits. I didn't have to say much before she began describing Joel to me right down to his facial expressions in a creepy, goosebumpy way. We both know the inaccuracies inherent in armchair psychoanalysis but it was down right chilling talking with CM. Everybody should have a brilliant psychologist to talk to for free.

So I did some thinking, some reviewing, and again can see how much I've changed. I'm getting to know myself like encountering a childhood friend after decades apart and having a good time rediscovering the past. A major change crept in unobtrusively that's made me wonder since it occurred; in the past, I would burn all bridges and literally not give a damn about the offender, just like deleting a corrupt computer file, but this afternoon I realized I was praying for Joel that he might also find his way out. I'm still stumbling and uncertain of my own route, but the evidence is clear: I have gained traction.

It is a good thought.


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