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3:44 p.m. - January 25, 2006
Longing for what could be if
It is my sister's birthday today, and to celebrate made her engagement to The Great Idiot official. My mother, always sniffing out conspiracies, immediately emailed to ask how long I've known and secondly, to inquire why I insist on disappointing her.

I had to choke back a laugh and wonder whether coming out to her will finally redeem myself.


When is sacrifice genuine as opposed to self-serving? I redeemed 400,000 frequent flyer miles today to purchase two first class tickets from San Francisco to Sydney for my sister and her fiance, putting an end to my dream of Australia, Me, and a +1 or at least a good friend to come along. My universe has once again expanded dramatically quickly and that dream is not simply tabled or put on hold, but cashed in for less than its value. The thing is though, that I average more than 100,000 miles annually, so it is feasible to presume that in another few years I'll be able to climb Sydney Harbor Bridge, +1 or at least solo. In this case it's not quite a sacrifice, is it? Or, given the financially unfriendly skies facing United, maybe Australia isn't meant to be.

Dreaming big is my private self-flagellation or hair shirt: When long-held dreams are within reach that not-yet-good-enough thought takes over and I put those dreams away as if they are selfish and dirty where, like every temptation, they refuse to go away.

(The point: I simply don't want to accomplish my dreams alone. I want someone to take my photo and remind me that there were times when I didn't say no.)

I am happy to be able to do this. I just wish I could do it with a sincere happiness, selfish bastard that I am.


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