10:33 p.m. - March 12, 2006
I don't know
Dinner tonight with Aundrea where Outback played 80s music and we laughed and played variations of name that tune and name that one-hit wonder. Felt good to be out, felt greater to be spontaneous and people-watch, talk about work and friends and relationships and all the things people talk about when out. And then Aundrea, out of the blue, said she didn't think I am gay, that "it" is something more psychological than hardwired. I failed in articulating why I am attracted to guys, could not communicate to her how much I enjoy the difference in me I notice is more present with men than with women. Problem is, I'm not sure I know either, or at least I don't feel convicted. I know she's trying to be a good friend and is concerned I'm shutting myself off from the possibility of relationships through isolation and over-work, but her pronouncement bothered me, evoked that same uncertainty I despise whenever the gay topic or subjects come up in conversation. I dislike not having all the answers or a neat summary of What Makes Me Gay available for rapid pull-out when the occasion arises. Truth is, I just don't know why. Later, when I mentioned how I don't identify with the gay community and definitely do not fit in, she took that as a You see! moment that affirmed her skepticism of what makes my dick jump or my heart to pound.
She is right in that I avoid dealing with the issue of relationships. Life is neater when I'm alone; there are no hard questions to pose, no riddles or uncomfortable truths to plumb - my neat boxes remain undisturbed. If anything, I've made a mess of things each time I venture out of my comfort zone. How to explain the desire and joy in caring for a guy, to cuddle him and have him lean on me, to be the strong one, and the luxury of being able to be weak, and cuddled, and to lean on a man when needed? Or how there is a side of me that laughs more when I'm with a guy, unencumbered by something that weighs me down?
The flip side is the unpredictable issue of intimacy, that fear-attraction dynamic where sometimes I'm dominant and rough, other times passive and too compliant, but all the time scared and uncertain save those rare moments when I simply let go and enjoy myself. Strive for celibacy and solitude or for rocky relationships where sexual expression is always hit and miss? If I were not gay, why would I choose this not-quite-hell-but-a-far-cry-from-my-straight-life life?
I just need to get a dog and some houseplants and call it a life.
