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3:24 p.m. - November 06, 2006
Ted Haggard and my cubicle

This is where I spend my Mondays. Cameras and any other type of data-transportation equipment are expressly prohibited but I find a secret thrill in doing things I'm not supposed to. I think the company calls this action a terminable offense, but I bring in my laptop and nobody has ever said a thing.

I love my Mondays and dread the inevitable day when I resign this position. Working here no longer makes sense income-wise or time-wise, not when I make much more with the consulting/training, and not when I have writing deadlines. The reason I cling to these Mondays is because it is my social life. It is true - I don't socialize with the same people ever, except when I come to work on Monday morning. I have friends here, colleagues, people with whom I can share a little more of myself than I tend to. It's a place where people come up to hug me, where people ask where I flew in from, where people remember birthdays and put aside your favorite kind of chocolate into the freezer when somebody brings a bag to share. I like these people and they like me and I'm not ready to give it up. They're almost the only people in my life.


I am very, very tired today. I should be writing because my deadline has passed and I've yet to get anything done, but I can't focus. I left work early today to come home and jerk off twice - and I still can't fall asleep. So much for a nap.

All this is shit.

What I want to write about is how much I'm moved by Ted Haggard's fall. I'd like to tell him I understand what it's like to want something that reason, religion, and family says is wrong, and hate that thing with a passion while all along yearning for it. The media loves a scandal and it's certainly one that would win an Emmy for most scintillating picture: Evangelical Christian Hypocrite Exposed. Sensationalism and schadenfreude aside, it angers me to see the gay monolith delighting in another expose (with added bonus to his being a married-pastor-with-kids, and an outspoken, anti-gay one at that), and to see the Christian right's stunned confusion as they grapple with the realization that gays are, indeed, everywhere. But I am ashamed to be gay and ashamed to be a Christian. At times like this both sides need to see that there are people in the middle, that one can be gay and a Christian, and that being a Christian does not preclude being gay. Bottom line: I am glad that I did not marry Dana because I would have continued down that same road Haggard has taken, secret trysts in hotels and wearing the hypocrite's mask with more and more distaste until I just couldn't stand it, and hoped someone would take it off for me. The worst part though is the kids and his wife.

Of course, if he has any duplicity left, he'll just say he wanted good head and that's all.


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