10:45 p.m. - January 17, 2008
Customization
MaleSurvivor is having what they call a Weekend of Recovery in March, not that far from me. If Muhammad won't go to the mountain, the mountain will, eventually, come to him. For unsurprising reasons I've been unable to attend any of the WoRs for the past years, no matter how much I told myself I want/ed to attend, and now - now what? I worry I'd cry in front of them, that an emotion or two would evade the censor, and that I'd regret opening the can afterward. If, say, I'm not having my sleep issues, I'm functioning well, and the feasibility of sexual intimacy is so remote as to be laughable and thus not a reason to have the boat rocked, is it enough to step back and say things are well? And take another step further back and say I've dealt with what needed to be resolved?
The crux of the issue: I'm fine as long as I'm not expressing my sexuality with another person. Homo nul coitum. Rationally I know the issues are unresolved if avoiding the trigger is required, but this isn't a case of overcoming a fear of spiders through gradual exposure. I see it now, in Craigslist: Man seeks man to hold hands with for five minutes. Will pay.
Unappealing.
In early January I was pleased with myself at the conference for gay Christians - I have never, unequivocally, ever, hugged as many people - and by hugged I don't mean my standard one-eighth second pat, but full on, multiple-second, hugs - and felt good. But. I felt comfortable hugging lesbians and straight women, not gay men. That there's something fucked up in my wiring doesn't need to be pointed out.
And will a weekend of sitting around with other men who have experienced CSA help me along this staccato progression? Maybe it's apples and oranges and the two are not connected - that is another fear of mine. Or really, the fear is that the WoR will live up to its goal, and get men to (begin to) learn to trust other men. I shrug it off because I disbelieve it but why do my eyes heat up when thinking about the possibility? Aha, that's it - I want, but don't believe it can happen for me.
If I do go, it's recommended that one have at least two support people. If the magic number were three I'd laugh at this recommendation as Jason's pipe dream but two is doable. It is doable.
Remember Dr. Indy and Brad? They both said over and over that the more I talked about it the better. I don't know when it happened or the circumstances surrounding it, but I believe them now. Poetry (bad poetry at that), half-assed no-effort dying journal writing doesn't count, either. It's talking to people that does, bottom line. I think some people will listen should I choose to talk.
Now that is a sign of progress.
I'm not 100% committed to going yet - maybe 80% and warming up to the idea. Another day or two and I'll push the register now button or not.
Like much else, I push away that which I hold closest to me, so the hurt is less.
