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10:55 p.m. - April 19, 2009
I received my first true standing ovation last night after delivering the keynote address at the conference.

A memory to carefully store away and treasure.

Yet even this does little to alleviate the disappointment I have in myself for - for what exactly, I don't know. What will it take to be comfortable with myself being myself? I'm exhausting myself in this madcap scramble to find the answer, veering from one aspect of me to the other like a human pingpong ball caught up in someone else's game. My personal life is a hollow bore so I compensate with my professional life pushing, pushing, pushing myself, and that no longer suffices. Work, my refuge, is nothing more than another room in this prison. Maybe that's why I'm disappointed in myself - from this new professional height I have not gained a clearer vantage point to find the way out.

It was a joy, a tingle, to see them jump up and start clapping. It was like a dream, only that it wasn't.


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