2. How have you changed in the past 5 years? Five years ago, in 1998, I had graduated college and was working on my masterís degree. Comparing then and now, I find Iíve become even more the loner than I was before, cutting myself off from people and generally drifting away from the people I called friends. I think I was happier then, satisfied with my plans and objectives, and looking forward to settling down, getting married, and having children. Since then, Iíve come to realize I couldnít recreate Leave It to Beaver and now Iím working on coming to grips about being a happy gay man.
3. I prefer tart green apples to the Red Delicious.
4. You know Iím crazy about you when Iíll spend two hours peeling an orange, even removing the membrane, and feed it to you.
5. My greatest fear is that Iíll live without close friends and confidantes.
6. I met the author Ngugi wa Thiongío in Seattle and was invited to attend a party with him all because I greeted him in Swahili. I cannot read Swahili well enough to read his novels and I feel bad about that.
7. I graduated from a small Christian university that banned smoking, pre-marital sex, and underage drinking. I loved every minute I was at that school.
8. A secret wish nobody knows about me: I want to try pot. I think Iím getting too old, though. Why? To see what itís like, to feel part of the club for once.
9. I sprinkle baby powder in my underwear before putting it on.
10. On scents: Iím all about deodorant. Iíd like to wear cologne but I donít know how to use it effectively.
11. My secret dream is to have a woodshop and make furniture.
12. When I was young I came across a dead body in the woods.
13. My cousin-but-not-really-cousin Kelly taught me to swim in a lake after my aunt Pam taught me to swim in a pool.
14. When I was returned to California after my stay in a New Mexico detention center, my uncle Tim and I had a man-to-man talk. His first question was, ďYou do like girls, rightĒ and I played with his head and said, ďMaybe not.Ē
15. I wrap boxes obsessively. Christmas and birthdays are special times for me simply for that reason. Needing to send a package makes for a very happy day.
16. I donít know how to dress well. Itís something Iíd like to learn.
17. Because of #16, I wonít go to clubs or popular bars. What if I was denied entry?
18. A quirk: (Just one?) In my personal bathroom I prefer a soap bar to a dispenser. Each time I use the soap bar, I rotate it in the dish so that one side doesnít become softer than the other.
19. On writing: Iíve published a chap book of poetry, two short stories are anthologized, and Iíve published 16 poems in various journals over the years. Iím constantly tweaking a play Iíve written. A piece of erotica is being published in September. I have a contract to write six (6) textbooks.
20. My textbook-writing contract stipulates a new desktop computer every other year. Currently on my desk: Gateway Pentium 4, 1.8 GHZ, 512 MB memory, 120 GB hard drive, 21-inch flat screen. Iíd think it was overmuch were it not that I have to run Photoshop, Pagemaker, and Word simultaneously and work with documents reaching 525 pages.
21. A secret wish: I want PS2 (play station II) to have fun with. I refuse to indulge. Besides, PS2 is best with a competitor rather than a solo experience. Or so Iíve heard.
22. Since the writing of the first 100 Things About Me, I still havenít read a comic book.
23. One Thanksgiving I spent alone, holed up in my dorm room, because I was too ashamed to accept an invite; the woman who invited me to join her family was too ugly for me to be seen with her in public. Iíve always regretted that.
24. Speaking of dorms: Iíve lived in four (4) over the years. Two in Seattle, one in Ithaca, one in Cambridge. I love dormitories and living with people.
25. Thus far, my favorite State Quarter reverse is Maineís. Something about looking out and moving away, I guess.
26. I like home-made scalloped potatoes with an exact balance between gooey and dry, with a layer of tomatoes in the middle.
27. I was caught having sex with a girlfriend in my parentsí bed. It was winter and they had an electric blanket. Why I didnít take the blanket to my room is something Iíll always wonder about.
28. States Iíve been to: California, Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Montana, Nevada, Utah, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Colorado, Illinois, Indiana, New York, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Vermont, Maryland, District of Columbia, Virginia, West Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Florida, Kentucky, Tennessee, Missouri, Massachusetts, Michigan, Wyoming.
29. States Iíve lived in: California, Washington, New Mexico, Tennessee (for two weeks only).
30. Women constantly mention my eyelashes and eyes.
31. I say ďsomedayĒ often. Itís better than admitting ďnever.Ē
32. When Iím worried, but not scared, I dust my furniture with orange oil.
33. If youíre ever invited into my home (a goal Iím slowly working on), donít ask for ice cream. I dig around the carton and remove the goodies, leaving the rest smoothed over. To facilitate removal, I prefer chunks over bits. Chocolate chip mint is a bitch.
34. In high school, I never decorated my locker with anything at all and often forgot my combination, so rarely did I use it.
35. #34 is because I cut school so often I was never there.
36. Most of the exciting times in my life happened prior to my turning 18. This concerns me a great deal.
37. Most of my bills are deducted electronically. The ones that arenít: Electric and phone. Can you guess why?
38. Iím far more patient than I let on. Unless youíre dumb and then Iím impatient.
39. Sometimes I over-estimate my abilities. Example: I began to remodel my bathroom 2 Ĺ years ago. I finished the sheetrock and then realized I donít know how to do plumbing; itís sat ever since.
40. Ideal breakfast: Blueberries and almonds; a glass of orange juice not-from-concentrate.
41. Usual breakfast: Toast (wheat), thin peanut butter (no chunks); glass of orange juice.
42. Everybody should: Read the Grapes of Wrath, Paradise Lost, Whitman.
43. Everybody should: Hug me, even if I say donít.
44. On issues: Sex issues. Intimacy issues (theyíre not the same). Sleep issues. Dream issues. Trust issues. Theyíre all connected and I link to the same events. But I worry, What if theyíre not?
45. I donít like clutter. Or collectibles. Or stuff.
46.I am in far worse shape than I was when I wrote the first 100 Things About Me.
47. Another secret dream: I want to establish a fund that helps investigate and research childhood sexual abuse on boys.
48. Something Iím ashamed of: Iím as superficial as you. I wouldnít want to see an overweight, pot-bellied old man modeling underwear, either.
49. I believe: People are inherently good though easily swayed by self-serving temptation disguised as relativism.
50. Daily, I fear: That Iíll trip and fall. My feet are disproportionate to my body and sometimes I stumble and wonder, Is it this time?
51. Something I wonder about: What itís like to have a parent cheering you on at a game.
52. Another thing I wonder about: Why do penises have to have that odor?
53. I love music but never remember titles or band names. I do recall lyrics. You know the ďdoot dootĒ song (by Freur)? I struggled to identify that one since the only words are . . . doot doot.
54. My family thinks Iím: Anti-social. Disturbed. A loner. Sad.
55. Yet another secret desire: Iíd like to act in a play.
56. Yet another: Some day Iíll run a marathon and after that, a triathalon.
57. I exhibit all the nasties of road rage: Cursing, tailgating, flipping you off.
58. I did something to my Jeep and now the sunroof doesnít operate. Iím embarrassed to bring it to the shop for fear itís something simple, like pressing Open.
59. I cuss far more often in speech than I do in writing. I avoid saying cunt, pussy, and boobs.
60. Something Iím good at that doesnít count for much: Organizing cupboard contents.
61. Trivia, Monopoly, Scrabble. I love those games.
62. A place Iíve never been that disgusts me: Las Vegas.
63. I donít do: Crowds.
64. I do not: Sustain conversation well.
65. Seeking a teacher for: Electric wiring. Plumbing. Making stone walls. Pressing olives. Making wine. Pies.
66. Poet whose works I quote while walking at night: OíShaugnessey, Whitman, Oliver.
67. I donít offer information, but if asked I will open up.
68. Would like to act silly and laugh in a group of friends, talk more than I listen.
69. Why should you employ me instead of someone else? Because my 100% is the same as 10 people giving 150% and thatís the truth.
70. Something new Iíve learned recently: My old high school geometry teacher, the man I hated and despised with a passion and whose car I set on fire, also graduated from my alma mater. When your alma mater is as small as mine was, youíd understand why Iím struck by the incongruity of it all.
71. I like to watch boxing matches but never start to finish because thatíd be sloth.
72. Kitsch. My enemy.
73. Aromas I savor: Tangerine. Cucumber. Pomegranate.
74. An animal I like to watch but would never own: A ferret.
75. I was repeatedly molested by a neighbor between the ages of 8 and 11. I can say that now. Before, I couldnít.
76. Someday Iíll know what itís like to believe the sun does indeed come out tomorrow.
77. I donít have the patience to fish but enjoy watching others cast and reel.
78. I donít wear shorts in public unless Iím at the beach. I donít know why; I was like that even as a child.
79. I think people read my online journal because they feel sorry for me. I hate that.
80. I donít trust a man to be monogamous with me. I donít think I could handle being cheated on. Who can, really?
81. Many people find me naÔve. I just pretend not to notice things most of the time. Why bother, you know?
82. Thinking about #78, I realize Iím very possessive about my body. Another issue? Again, I want people to hug, touch, slap-my-back-me, even if I cringe. Itís good for me.
83. Iíve had the same stereo equipment since college and though I rarely use it (preferring instead my desktop speakers), Iím loathe to dispense. Working hard and saving literally dollar by dollar to buy and then load it into Julianaís Mercedes means a great deal to me.
84. I care too much about what others think, even if theyíre not thinking about me.
85. I despise Ė hate Ė myself for loving a man who hits me.
86. I doubt Iíll have another relationship with a man. Some people are meant to blaze solo while others borrow a spark to ignite the tinder inside.
87. #86 makes me very sad.
88. Birds make me happy.
89. My happy is a smile, my insecurity a laugh.
90. I have a permanent watch-line tan on my left wrist. Unlike most left handed people, I wear my watch on the left. August 15 is National Left Handed Day. Recall #61 and Trivia.
91. I like going to bars and watching people live. Two beers, maximum.
92. I donít know a lot of things. This bothers me.
93. I fell in love as an adult for the first time December 31, 1992 in Miami, Florida. I was with Tasha at the Orange Bowl Parade and we listened to a Foreigner concert in the rain. She took my hand it was electric. We were together for a long time.
94. I fell in love again with Dana and what she offered: A woman whoíd stand by her man and was stable, breathed stability in her pastor father, homemaker mother, four brothers, all of whom adored me. I wanted marriage, children, a minivan, Little League.
95. I fell in love with Spec when I realized my heart pounded each time I thought of him and that despite my fears, I would try. The first time I defied instincts, control factors, my pastís hold on my today.
96. I figure three people in a lifetime is a good average.
97. A good name for my one-day-dog is Antidote.
98. Iím all about a stiff upper lip.
99. I write because I have no one to talk to.
100. Someday, that may be different. Good thing this is 100, and not 101, else I may change my mind.