12:41 a.m. - January 13, 2004
Addendum?
I don't know what's wrong tonight. Whistled for the neighbor's dog to ward off the bogeyman and remembered it's cold out and she's inside where she belongs. Thinking about the things he did, about the blue and white shag carpet on his bedroom floor. I remember once I was standing in his room and only had shorts on and was crying. What did he feel doing these things?
I remember a lot of things.
You ever feel you�re going crazy? You wouldn�t unless you were. It�s a numbing in your brain the same way sucking on a large ice cube freezes your mouth. You know it�s there but it doesn�t obey, it�s off doing its own thing and you can�t figure out where the ice cube came from, how long it�s been there. You feel helpless and disgusting and small and pathetic but it grows on you, you become used to feeling that way until it�s normalized and that�s the way it goes.
I know there is no literal bogeyman looking in my windows. I know he doesn�t slither out from the walls when I turn off the lights. I know he isn�t on the other side of the locked door. I know this. But when it is dead silent inside and my door moves slightly enough for the handle to strike the casing and makes an audible click it is real, it doesn�t matter that I know the heater emits air currents. It�s the bogeyman at my door, in my head, all around.
