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6:32 a.m. - June 10, 2003
Brief aftermath, unfinished
If I possess a credo, it is surely You shall feel remorseful after sex with another man and it will keep me up at night long past changing the sheets and cleaning the bathroom. I called Rob in London, the only person I could think of who would be awake at that time and nonplussed by a telephone call, and we talked for a few hours. I told him do I have to say came out because I abhor that trite, over-used, and malignant term and predictably he was upset I had not told him sooner, say around the time he told me. Rob said he suspected after Spec answered the phone one day when I was in the bathroom because as he put it, I know you dont let just anybody in.

Since learning about Robs own struggles what struggle? Hes swimming like a dolphin in a gay sea Ive consistently compared myself to him Robs a Christian, Im a Christian, hes masculine and normal, and Im neither? something, though Im not effeminate but we differ in our sexual expression so to speak. We discussed that last night, talked about why anonymous sex is (seems?) rampant and I offered my own theories about thorough disassociation between the person and deed, convenient for glory-holes and dark blue-lit rooms in clubs and quickie sex with the eyes closed, all those drugs and poppers [editors note: Speaking of, I always thought poppers were pills. If you, a reader, have familiarity or experience with this, would you educate me beyond its good or its bad? Id appreciate it] armaments to further steel oneself from enjoining the corporeal and the spiritual emotus. Rob has sex and apparently lots of it, the dirty kind as Id put it, the furtive anonymous couplings, the internet hook ups, all that and honestly, I kind of look down on him for being that way. Unfortunately Im a hypocrite because when I go on the internet and meet a guy wholl give me head, Im doing the same thing; I dont look at it the same way, as imbecilic as that is.

Im uptight and inhibited and have yet to discern what factors make me feel comfortable. Yesterday was a fluke. What was I thinking?


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