6:32 a.m. - June 10, 2003
Brief aftermath, unfinished
If I possess a credo, it is surely You shall feel remorseful after sex with another man and it will keep me up at night long past changing the sheets and cleaning the bathroom. I called Rob in London, the only person I could think of who would be awake at that time and nonplussed by a telephone call, and we talked for a few hours. I told him � do I have to say came out because I abhor that trite, over-used, and malignant term � and predictably he was upset I had not told him sooner, say around the time he told me. Rob said he suspected after Spec answered the phone one day when I was in the bathroom because as he put it, I know you don�t let just anybody in.
Since learning about Rob�s own struggles � what struggle? He�s swimming like a dolphin in a gay sea � I�ve consistently compared myself to him Rob�s a Christian, I�m a Christian, he�s masculine and normal, and I�m � neither? � something, though I�m not effeminate � but we differ in our sexual expression so to speak. We discussed that last night, talked about why anonymous sex is (seems?) rampant and I offered my own theories about thorough disassociation between the person and deed, convenient for glory-holes and dark blue-lit rooms in clubs and quickie sex with the eyes closed, all those drugs and poppers [editor�s note: Speaking of, I always thought poppers were pills. If you, a reader, have familiarity or experience with this, would you educate me beyond it�s good or it�s bad? I�d appreciate it] armaments to further steel oneself from enjoining the corporeal and the spiritual emotus. Rob has sex and apparently lots of it, the �dirty� kind as I�d put it, the furtive anonymous couplings, the internet hook ups, all that and honestly, I kind of look down on him for being that way. Unfortunately I�m a hypocrite because when I go on the internet and meet a guy who�ll give me head, I�m doing the same thing; I don�t look at it the same way, as imbecilic as that is.
I�m uptight and inhibited and have yet to discern what factors make me feel comfortable. Yesterday was a fluke. What was I thinking?
