6:32 a.m. - June 10, 2003
Since learning about Rob’s own struggles – what struggle? He’s swimming like a dolphin in a gay sea – I’ve consistently compared myself to him Rob’s a Christian, I’m a Christian, he’s masculine and normal, and I’m – neither? – something, though I’m not effeminate – but we differ in our sexual expression so to speak. We discussed that last night, talked about why anonymous sex is (seems?) rampant and I offered my own theories about thorough disassociation between the person and deed, convenient for glory-holes and dark blue-lit rooms in clubs and quickie sex with the eyes closed, all those drugs and poppers [editor’s note: Speaking of, I always thought poppers were pills. If you, a reader, have familiarity or experience with this, would you educate me beyond it’s good or it’s bad? I’d appreciate it] armaments to further steel oneself from enjoining the corporeal and the spiritual emotus. Rob has sex and apparently lots of it, the “dirty” kind as I’d put it, the furtive anonymous couplings, the internet hook ups, all that and honestly, I kind of look down on him for being that way. Unfortunately I’m a hypocrite because when I go on the internet and meet a guy who’ll give me head, I’m doing the same thing; I don’t look at it the same way, as imbecilic as that is.
I’m uptight and inhibited and have yet to discern what factors make me feel comfortable. Yesterday was a fluke. What was I thinking?