6:47 a.m. - September 15, 2003
If you've missed Madrigle's guestbook comment, check it out. He is, of course, correct in his approximation of my acculturation of gay mores, the very ones I despise, and I admit to being bothered. First response is of course I want to pursue relationships over the fleeting, and second is But I don't. The longer I'm intimate with someone increases the likelihood that I'll have to bring up anal sex and how do I do that without opening up some and potentially becoming vulnerable, all without altering the structure of you can't know too much about me which itself is a problem? When I'm attracted to a guy - like Eli - and want it, I react unpleasantly and as he said, ass isn't worth this. So given that I lack a shibboleth that eases entry, do I just say no anal, period, let's date and possibly form a relationship - excuse me while I laugh. Even the nicest of guys like John debated ending his nascent relationship because there was no anal. So I swear off anal and hope to find a guy who's okay with that and in the meantime satisfy myself with wrestling and oral sex and licking biceps, all of which I can do with an eagerness that surprises me, and wave the dictum no anal, no anal like a semaphore inviting those who can read the code? Or is this swimming in the muck, is this my being like them and perpetuating what appears to be a core more of who needs relationships when we can have sex now?? In other words, Madrigle's saying I can't have everything my way and something has to give, and in the meantime, well - go back to looking but not touching? Try celibacy as a way of becoming more comfortable being intimate with a man? Continue as I am and when anal sex - the possibility, the position, the question - arises say I have to tell you something: Don't freak out or anything, but sometimes - most of the time - I panic during anal sex, both receiving and giving, and may vomit or shake or start yelling or crying or screaming, but don't let it bother you, okay? Yeah, I don't think so. Or, as Dr. Indy urges, I could be up front and matter of fact, never mind the distasteful Oprahology inherent in I have to tell you something: See, when I was a kid . . . . I don't think so. Everybody's been molested, everybody's got issues, everybody's turned off by emotional basketcases and opening up too much invites trouble.
Yes, Madrigle, I understand your point. I understand everybody's points and cluck-clucking and headshaking and insight, but it seems none of you see where I'm coming from. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
If anything, I'm developing some insight, so I'm not a complete wash.