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11:21 a.m. - January 10, 2004
Yes, yes, I know
Ryan II has left after eating all my pineapple and blueberries. After somebody sleeps in your bed, it seems to me a meal is deserving and hospitable but lolling about saying Let me sleep pushes boundaries and he was up and out by 9:00. Take the sheets off, make the bed, smell his out-of-the-shower scent, rebuff the invite to hang out today though it is sunny out. Becoming used to close physical proximity with someone is like developing a muscle and Iím not sure whether this ache of sorts is from overuse, an invigorating stretch, or atrophy complaining of fits and half-hearted starts.

I want to meet a guy as into books and music as I, someone who knows the difference between an independent bookstore and the local Barnes & Noble.

A guy who doesnít refer to exercise machines by name and confuse me because I think heís talking about people.

Someone I feel comfortable sleeping next to, someone I want to sleep next to. I slept with Spec for a long time, so why isnít it getting easier? Ryan II is not my first, so why do I still have jitters and discomfort?

I do like watching him while he sleeps and when he's naked. More than I like him awake?


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