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10:02 a.m. - July 25, 2000
Thoughts in the blender: Whip
Midterm this morning and the Squirrely T.A. is proctoring, a grandiose way of saying I have a coolie that frees me from mundane tasks so that I can focus on more worthy things: Talking to Spec. I feel good about this, am enjoying catching up and laughing and hearing about his day and his inquiring into mine. I feel myself slipping back into the familiarity and trust I shared with him before; there are no awkward pauses or bad feelings.

As quickly as this comes, I can see from a distance how I'm also slipping back into the emotional connectioin and I feel absurd, I roll my eyes at the drama light-switch: Off, on, simple. Last night I feel asleep while talking to him and this morning there was an email from him saying he listened to me breathe for a while and it reminded him of the times we slept together. And I called him this morning to talk to him as he prepared for work and I could picture each step of his routine, so familiar he is to me. I think he's different, I really do and even I roll my eyes a bit, but it's palpable and more granite than sandstone in its insistence and gravity.

Even when the topic of sex came up he wasn't distant or mean, simply encouraging and curious and I felt comfortable telling him about the guys I've met lately. I didn't want to ask him because I know how it is, any gay guy with a cock as big as his gets as much as he can handle, but I did and was surprised that he's been relatively inactive. I'm glad, very glad. People, I've missed him and I feel safe and comfortable, I feel happy, or at least content. I'm glad he's seeing a counselor and even more glad he can talk about it with me, though it was unpleasant last night to rehash what happened in Florida this past September. He was frustrated and afraid, frustrated sexually because I wouldn't listen to him or learn to "move past it" but now he understands far better where I as coming from. He constantly felt rejected by me - this surprised me - because lots of other guys clamor for him and I made him feel I could leave easily, and this triggered his own insecurities about being abandoned, etc. I never saw that then, but now it's obvious. Perspective, that.

I feel a little weird writing about what's coming next. Spec said that all along he wanted me to fuck him, for me to call him my boyfriend, to be possessive towards him. Instead, he found himself becoming (uncharacteristically) possessive, heightening attempts to make me feel comfortable to say and do the things he wanted me to. We talked about why it was (is?) difficult for him to say he wants to be fucked, and how I couldn't understand his hush-hush-let's-not-talk-about-it-afterwards each time I topped him. We're talking so much and about the serious issues as well, not just about work and depression and therapists. I'm seeing so much more of him and I like that.

I'm yammering.

I don't know what to think, can't quite process everything.

A big plus/minus? He hasn't referred to me by the term with which I had an attraction / repulse reaction. I don't want him to say it yet do and perhaps his not saying it is a sure sign he's changed.


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