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5:37 p.m. - July 26, 2003
Crow's nests and keeps and not much else
In the office downloading music and software and worry upon my return to California I'll find a letter from Adobe saying Ooh, you're in big trouble and if so, can I feign innocence as a first-timer? I doubt the porn I'm also downloading is as monitored but I'm feeling slimey, not only because for downloading but for opening the cyber door to my prurient interests. What interests? Shhh. I only talk about that with my closest friends under duress and even then I obfuscate.

I'm obfuscating my head as we speak regarding Spec and this emotional seesaw with splinters aggravating my ass. I know he hasn't changed, I know this deep down but I want to hope and that want has pushed aside everything, all the strobe lights and worries, all the thoughts from those of you who read my journal. There's a part of me that wants to fix what was broken between Spec and myself, as if I can stand back and proclaim I'm healthy, I'm okay, I can develop and maintain a healthy gay relationship, I'm okay, see!, an admission that would surely banish the bogeyman forever and I could finally say I'm in control.

Somebody who has my back (is that right, Twids?), that's what I want. Not because it means solitude ends and I join the Happy Party but because it signals I trust someone, anyone, more than one, many, instead of having to always be on guard. No more on guard, that's what I want. It means much more to me than I can articulate, to walk down from the crow's nest and say, I'm here.

It saddens me to think this is unrealistic.


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